‘Literally, Right Before Aaron’ is a 1-star bomb
“I can’t tell if you’re charming or an a—hole,” a character wonders about Adam, the would-be hero in “Literally, Right Before Aaron.”
Oh, that’s an easy one: He’s an a—hole, most definitely. Adam is petulant, thoughtless, rude and completely self-involved. A screen character doesn’t have to be likable to be interesting, but there must be something that makes us want to watch them. With Adam, played by Justin Long at his high-strung Justin Longiest, there is nothing.
Still, that’s hardly the only thing wrong with writer-director Ryan Eggold’s indie rom-com, which takes place
in a weird kind of movie world where no one behaves like a real person. Take the film’s basic premise. Adam and Al-
lison (Cobie Smulders) were a couple for eight years, then she painfully broke things off. A year later, she calls out of the blue to invite Adam to her wedding, a big, high-budget society affair. Yes, that’s perfectly logical, said no one ever.
Adam, who never got over Allison, accepts, Freaking out from the invitation, he spontaneously asks his current girlfriend to marry him over dinner. She resists at first, then happily gives in and accepts. Seconds later, Adam decides to break up with her — while they’re still at the dinner table. Again, he’s a major jerk; again, who acts like this?
More dopiness occurs. He heads off to the wedding in San Francisco — Eggold imaginatively cues up “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” on the soundtrack. Next comes an awkward visit with his mom, played by Lea Thompson, who apparently had Adam as a teenager. Thompson is one of many familiar faces who pop up for one scene and oddly disappear, along with the likes of Peter Gallagher, Dana Delaney and Luis Guzmán.
We soldier on to the rehearsal dinner, where Adam meets groom-to-be Aaron (Ryan Hansen). Aaron is friendly and virtually perfect; he even designed and baked the enormous wedding cake, which boasts at least six tiers. A major tennis buff, he offers to play Adam, who is a non-athlete but lies about it... because, um, why? Come to think of it, what man has time for an impromptu tennis match with a virtual stranger in between the rehearsal dinner and his wedding day?
The whole movie plods ahead like this, agonizingly stupid and painfully illogical. Adam gets drunk and stoned at the wedding; thank heavens the kitchen help (all minorities, nice touch!) has some weed. Adam causes a big scene — gosh, do you think something will happen to Aaron’s beautiful cake? — and it all ends on a note that liberally swipes from “The Graduate.”
The film is screwed up in so many major ways. In a flashback, we see Adam and Allison’s meet-cute. It’s not cute but simply unbelievable (he’s too obnoxious and there’s no chemistry). Why is Aaron more engaging than Adam, which throws things even further off-kilter? And if you’re going to make a bad film, can you at least settle on one tone? This thing veers from unfunny slapstick (guess who catches the wedding bouquet?) to indie musings, never finding a comfortable middle ground.
The list could go on, but why beat a dead horse? And, really, why see this movie? Unless you’re related to one of the actors, there is no reason to buy a ticket to this mess. Literally.