Forget the smokes, tell grandma to buy some prunes

Today’s question: I hope you won’t find this question too distasteful for your column. My grandmother used to be a heavy smoker, but now she only smokes one cigarette every morning. She says she cannot move her bowels without that one cigarette. Is there a connection or is she just still hooked on nicotine?

Too distasteful for this column? Well, I guess there are limits. My masters are still wary of my idea for a dirty-joke punchline contest.

The idea was to have you submit punchlines for dirty jokes that are not in and of themselves dirty. As an example, one of my colleagues suggested, “That’s not what the nun said.”

See? That sounds innocent enough while leaving you to wonder what the actual joke might have been, even if there never was one. My masters aren’t buying it. Anyway, I think we can handle this connection between a cigarette and your grandma’s regularity without giving too much offense.

The issue at hand here is what is known as rectal tone, which is the manner in which the rectum reacts to various stimulants.

According to the National Library of Medicine, researchers studied the effects on rectal tone of cigarettes, coffee and warm water.

They found coffee increased the likelihood of a bowel movement within 30 minutes by 45 percent and warm water by 30 percent.

A dose of nicotine had no effect. So Grandma’s idea of keeping herself regular with a morning smoke is all in her head. Have her try prunes instead.

And keep your punch lines to yourselves.