The Menu: TV sports to avoid this Thanksgiving
Stop looking to an expansive sports TV weekend for excuses to avoid your family.
They’re perfectly suitable people. Some are blood relatives, so, like it or not, you’ve got some of what they’ve got (although cousin Winky probably caught that on his own during that “meet the people roadie” he brags about).
So stop using your phones to Google “how one acquires Hep C” and spend some time with family; don’t let TV sports be the end-all.
Here are TV highlights, just in case – and why you DO NOT need to watch. Thursday Vikings at Lions, 10:30 a.m., Channel 10.
Why not? Sure it’s a nice matchup, but you need to help with meal preparation. Geez, at least offer to set the table. Chargers at Cowboys, 2:30 p.m., Channel 5.
Why not? Dallas owner Jerry Jones is needy. Don’t enable him by watching. Dak “Pardon the Interception” Prescott is not elite, and Ezekiel Elliott is suspended. Giants at Racial Slurs, 6:30 p.m., Channel 12.
Why not? A couple of NFC East alsorans playing in Washington, D.C., is nothing for which to be thankful. Play checkers with somebody’s kid (prefer-
ably someone you know). ASU men’s hoops vs. Kansas State (at Las Vegas), 5:30 p.m., FS1.
Why not? College hoops at an offthe-strip property? Maybe worth a look if ASU had any kind of basketball future (*looks at recent results*) … wait. Wow. (*Googles “where to purchase ASU bandwagon tickets.”) Don’t tell anyone but we’ll be tuned in. Extremely Ol’ Miss at Mississippi State, 5:30 p.m., ESPN.
Why not? Look, SEC fans, we’re not gonna dignify that question with a response (especially when ASU hoops is on another channel … shhh.) You set the table; now go help wash the dishes.
Friday
Missouri at Arkansas, 12:30 p.m., Channel 5.
Why not? Pac-12 football fans will watch this and become further agitated about how overrated the SEC (excluding Alabama) is … EVERY DAMNED YEAR. Iowa at Nebraska, 2 p.m., FS1.
Why not? Pac-12 football fans will watch this and become further agitated about how overrated the Big Ten (excluding Wisconsin) is … EVERY DAMNED YEAR. Cal at UCLA, 8:30 p.m., FS1.
Why not? Pac-12 football fans will watch this and become agitated because the Pac-12 isn’t really all that good this year.
Saturday
UA at ASU, 2:30 p.m., Pac-12 Networks.
Why not? No more bowl-eligibility drama; no more “coach is getting fired” drama (unless you’re just one of those fans who wants bad things for other people). But you should check this one out anyway. Vegas at Coyotes, 7 p.m., FSAZ.
Why not? Die-hard Coyotes fans may throw pucks when they see Vegas – an expansion team – appears to be the better team. How the (fergin eh!) did that happen? Rivalry games!
Maybe you could tune in for a couple of these.
In order of watchability: Alabama at Auburn, 1:30 p.m., Channel 5: It’s not healthy to wish bad fortune on Nick Saban. Just kidding. It’s OK if “bad fortune” means losing this game. Ohio State at Michigan, 10 a.m., Channel 10:
Personality clash of the coaches (not much vs. too much). But this is always fun to watch. Washington State at Washington, 6 p.m., Channel 10:
The Apple Cup features The Ego (Mike Leach, though it’s well-earned) and the The Arrogance (UW believes it’s still a top-flight program). Florida State at Florida, 10 a.m., ESPN: Too many highly recruited youngsters didn’t pan out. Oregon State at Oregon, 5 p.m., ESPN2:
The Ducks batter the Beavers and wonder how good things might have been with a healthy QB all season. West Virginia at Oklahoma, 1:45 p.m., ESPN:
Sooners QB – and Heisman front-runner – could very well set a bad example for the kids. Unless parents feel it’s OK to violently grab yourself in order to underscore your point. Indiana at Purdue, 10 a.m., ESPN2: If innocent fans are forced to watch, this could cause them to start gambling.
Sunday The NFL
Wow, what an easy list of avoidable games. You don’t have to lie to out-oftown visitors about “errands” or “work things” – you can actually take them to the airport and not regret it!
Outside of the Saints and Rams, the NFL has arranged for perhaps the worst matchups this season.
Some of the playoff contenders have awful opponents: Patriots host Endzone-safe Dolphins; Eagles host Bares; Falcons host the Yuks (TB); KC hosts The Petermans (BUF); Panthers visit NY Jest; Seahawks visit the ONEAND-NINERS (SF).
Then it’s also-ran Titans at neverran Colts; My Little Pony (DEN) at Oakland; the Stains (CLE) at Dumbles (CIN).
Oh, and, for all of you “true fans” in Phoenix who sold your tickets, I’m guessing you won’t be lining up to catch the Jaguars at Cardinals. Packers at Steelers, 6:30 p.m., Channel 12:
For that precious time window in which everyone has finally removed themselves from your lawn. Pittsburgh takes on NFL players who wear Packers uniforms (*legal department says we can’t call them the Packers if Aaron Rodgers isn’t playing).