Skip the phone call and take a trip to Bisbee instead Valley 101

From June 11, 2005:

Ringgggg.

Hello and welcome to Valley 101. For English, please stay on the line. For Spanish or some other language, you might as well hang up now, because I can’t speak Spanish or anything else, although I keep meaning to take a class or something.

This call may be monitored for quality control, although I can’t imagine why. The other day we ran a headline that said ... oh, never mind. I guess I’ve done a lot worse.

And, yes, I already know how many of you are aggravated about how my masters seem to make the Sunday funnies so hard to find. Don’t ask me. I’m not in the Sunday funnies department, and even if I were they probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway.

Now where were we?

If you would like to ask about the birds that sing at night or about that whole business about hanging up plastic bags of water to scare flies away you might as well hang up right now because I have been over and over all that with you people and I am not going into it again. At least not until next year when the flies and the late-singing birds start up all over again.

If you would like to remind me that I am a chowderhead because you don’t agree with the answer to the question from yesterday or today or tomorrow, please press the “get in line” key on your keypad. Don’t have a “get in line” button on your phone? Oh well, never mind.

If you would like to go down to Bisbee sometime because you have lived here for years and years you’ve always heard it’s a pretty cool place but you’ve never quite gotten around to going down there, please press 4.

That won’t actually do anything, but I hope you write to me later and tell me about Bisbee. Is it a cooler place than Jerome or about the same?

And if you would like to speak to Inga, the official Valley 101 masseuse, you might as well forget about it, because we had to let her go years ago.

Thanks for calling. Have a nice day.