TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: I have a close relative who is living with anxiety – diagnosed by a general practitioner, but never treated – and, I think, at least some mild depression. This person resists any suggestion that some real treatment might be in order, arguing that talking with friends is all she needs, and downright rejecting medication because “that doesn’t change reality.”

I don’t bring it up much anymore and try to be supportive where I can. It’s not debilitating, but she’s often in a “rut” or constantly worrying about or focused on something she can’t control. I know it’s not fair, but at those times, I find myself growing impatient and almost resentful, because nothing I say helps, and I feel like she brings me down, too.

I love her, and I’m worried about her, but it’s getting to the point where I’m starting to limit contact rather than get frustrated and snippy with her. What should I be doing differently? – Family Member

She sounds unfamiliar with the nuances of both reality and medication, since both are only as good as our responses to them.

And you don’t sound awful, you sound human. Acknowledge openly that she has assigned a role to you that you aren’t qualified to fill. “I hear how worried you are. I wish I could help you, but I am not qualified to treat anxiety. I hope you’ll make an appointment with someone who is.”

If she disagrees, then you have the fact of her ongoing struggle to back you up. If talking with friends were all she needed, then she would not be “in a ‘rut’ or constantly worrying.”

Gently, again, and lovingly, but completely.