Is ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ always right?

As an adult human being, you’ve probably done at least one terrible thing in your life. Right?

OK. Have you done this terrible thing more than once? Have you done it more than once because the mere fact of your being capable of it once means you’ll never stop yourself from doing it again?

For some reason, the question I get asked over and over again is whether a onetime cheater is always a cheater; I’m not asked to parse “Once a backstabber always a backstabber,” “Once a curfew-breaker always a curfew-breaker,” “Once an opportunist always an opportunist,” “Once a person who cuts out early on Friday always a person who cuts out early on Friday.”

Might be interesting, but never happens.

People grow and change and learn – or, they don’t. Whether this guy you’re interested in is from Group A or Group B is something you need to figure out for yourself, using his words and deeds and using your judgment. It’s not a perfect system and some people get hurt. But, blanket judgments aren’t the remedy for the system’s imperfections.

Meanwhile, you’re someone who got burned by a cheater. So, once burned always burned?

It’s a valid question, even though the same Group A/B possibilities exist for you.

What you need to think about, carefully, is whether your emotional comfort zone, your taste in men, and your blind spots draw you to manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic, charismatic people – as in, the ones inclined to cheat and blame you for it. If you’re (still) a sucker for those, then you’d be wise to be wary, of yourself as well as your dates. Therapy often helps.

Otherwise, trust yourself.