Without a conductor, orchestra would run off tracks

This column was originally published Aug. 1, 2002: Today’s question:

My wife and I were watching Evening at Pops the other night, and we started wondering about the conductor. He was waving his arms to the music, but no one in the orchestra seemed to be paying

any attention to him. They were either looking at their sheet music or off into space.

Why do they need a conductor?

Why do they need a conductor? You silly-heads.

Why does an army on the battlefield need a general? Why does a classroom need a teacher? Why does a ship need a captain? Why does a newspaper need editors?

Umm, never mind about that last one.

An orchestra needs a conductor because somebody has to be in charge. Let’s say you have an orchestra, and you’re going to play “Stars and Stripes Forever,” which is always a good choice. There are probably going to be 87 different opinions in the orchestra about how to play or how to interpret “Stars and Stripes Forever.”

“Lots of brass.” “No, not lots of brass, lots of drums.” “Let’s try emphasizing the strings.” So on and so forth.

Personally, I would just vote for “real loud.”

So the conductor gets to decide how the piece is played because he or she is the boss.

For another thing, someone has to make sure everyone starts at the same time and, even better, finishes at the same time, which, by the way, is why I got kicked out of the handbell choir at church many years ago. They got really picky about that finishing-at-the-same-time thing.

So the conductor sets the tempo and cues various sections of the orchestra and, in general, makes sure everyone is on the same page. As I recall, that was something else those handbell people got all snippy about, that same-page thing.