How to best discuss senior housing with your aging parents

Talking to a parent or spouse about assisted-living and senior-housing options can be fraught for all involved.

The prospect turned deadly in a recent incident in Fountain Hills. The case begs the question: How might adult children discuss moving aging parents into a care facility or assisted-living community, and when should that happen?

Although such talks are not always possible, experts say it’s best to start having these types of conversations before a crisis arises.

“A parent has been in charge for 60 more years,” said Kerry Quirin, an adviser with Senior Living Experts, a Chicago-based company that matches families with assisted-living communities. “So it’s a shift in thinking, and it’s a hard pill to swallow that ‘I now have to take charge of my parents. I’m no longer the child.’”

As difficult as it is for both parties, and even if the senior is healthy, it’s better for the child or spouse to know what to do in the event of an emergency, Quirin said.

Quirin said it’s better to have senior parents transitioned into a care community prior to a major decline in health or diagnosis. That way, when that decline occurs, they are used to the environment, understand the routines and know the staff.

“If and when they decline ... they’re doing so in what has become their home, and they’re doing so in what has become familiar,” she said.

Sunrise Senior Living, a Virginiabased company that provides personalized care, says people should consider these indicators when deciding it might be time to make the transition:

❚ Is keeping your house and yard maintained becoming cumbersome?

❚ Are there days when showering or bathing is too difficult to manage on your own?

❚ Does getting together with friends or family seem increasingly unappealing?

❚ Is decision making becoming a burden?

❚ Does driving no longer feel 100 percent safe?

❚ Have bills and other financial obligations been slipping?

Lack of appetite, medication, personal hygiene, cleanliness and falling are all additional factors.

Respecting a parent or spouse’s dignity and letting them make as many decisions as they possibly can is key to making the transition smoother, Quirin said.

If mom or dad is resistant to the idea of moving into an assisted-living facility, Quirin said that having the doctor be the child’s advocate to explain their concerns about a senior’s health takes the burden off the family and makes it seem like the doctor’s idea, not the child’s.

“Using your loved one’s doctor to your advantage is the way to go,” Quirin said.

Having a third party as a mediator, such as a geriatric-care manager, is helpful in diffusing tense situations. Another option is a respite-care trial, such as a monthlong stay in a facility, to see if the senior will like it.

“That sometimes is another way that the senior can feel a little bit better going into it, like, ‘I haven’t lost everything. I’m going to just try this. Nothing is being taken away from me yet,’ “Quirin said.

Regan Smith, long-term-care ombudsman-program director for the Area Agency on Aging, said sometimes it’s just a waiting game before seniors come around to the idea.

“Waiting for something else to change where they become more cooperative or something changes whether there isn’t as much of a choice anymore ... (such as) a change in medical condition,” Smith said.

When touring a facility, your gut feeling goes a long way, Smith said.

The Arizona Department of Health Services licenses all long-term-care facilities. All licensing, investigations and complaints against any facility is public information accessible on its website.

“That’s a really good resource for people to look at before they’re going out to look at a facility,” Smith said.