TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are expecting our first child in January. We are thrilled about this and are excited to be parents.

I am struggling because I have a sister seven years older who cannot have children. Whenever I get excited about the upcoming birth, my mother is quick to remind me my sister will never have this experience. I’ve tried hiding my feelings around them because I want to be sympathetic, but I also don’t want to feel guilty for how I feel.

How can I acknowledge their feelings but still enjoy this time in my life? – Feeling Guilty for Being Pregnant Wait – “around them”? And “their feelings”? If you meant your sister’s feelings, then that’s understandable (with sympathy, not guilt) – and if your mother issues these quick reminders because your sister is nearby and still grieving and you’re missing signals that your sister is losing her composure, then that’s understandable, too.

But if you meant that exactly as you wrote it, that your sister’s feelings and your mother’s are one and the same; and neither of them is able to feel your joy through the weight of your sister’s misfortune; and you feel guilt for healthy pleasures; then there’s more here than a childlessness story. There’s also a story of a mother overinvolved and overinvested in one daughter’s emotional life – plainly at the expense of the other’s.

Since your family of origin gives off that burned rubber smell of dysfunction, and since you’re at Stage 2 of spinning off into a family of origin for a child, it might behoove you to talk through this guilt you’re feeling with a skilled family therapist.