‘I missed two of her birthdays’
Don Wade lost custody of his kids not once, but three times.
It took two-plus years, up to 20 court hearings, and $80,000 to get them back. “I’ve been a runner for 30 years,” says Wade, a physical-education teacher. “The goal is not in front of you right away, it’s down the road. I’ve learned to have a lot of patience because of that.”
He had to overcome a simmering anger, legal disputes with his in-laws and a changing cast of caseworkers (he said he had four) to regain full custody of Jonluis, 12, and Marianna, 7.
“You miss so much,” Wade, 45, says of the time he was separated from his kids. “I left my Christmas tree up after my kids left until they came home,” says Wade, a widower. “It was up for almost two years because they got taken at Christmas.”
Jonluis was returned within a month, but it took 18 months for him to convince the Juvenile Court that he was fit to parent Marianna.
“I missed two of her birthdays, I missed two Christmases,” he says.
He had already missed out on other important events in family life when he lost custody. It started because of a complaint from a friend of his wife’s. It happened again when his wife accused him of abusing the kids. When she died of breast cancer in December 2014, he said, the court directed him to pick up his kids from his in-laws. He was able to bring Jonluis home, but the in-laws refused to hand over Marianna.
Days later, while seated at the church for his wife’s funeral, Wade said his in-laws’ attorney handed him an envelope containing a court order. It reiterated the abuse charges.
“I’ve been a runner for 30 years. The goal is not in front of you right away, it’s down the road. I’ve learned to have a lot of patience because of that.” Don Wade Father of two
“The children would be removed from my custody,” Wade recalls of the order. “I had to be removed from my wife’s funeral as well. I didn’t even get to go to that.”
Over the next 18 months, caseworkers and the courts dictated his life as a father. He had to attend counseling. He took anger-management classes. His visits with the kids were supervised.
He resented the intrusion, his anger showing. His attorney was tough on him, telling him he needed to straighten up, keep good records and do the work the court prescribed if he wanted to get his kids back.
He did, but he said his anger was understandable. The abuse charges cut him to his core.
“To be accused of abusing your children, it’s the worst,” he says. “It would be better to be dead.”
He admits he wasn’t a model father, but who is? Besides, he’s a teacher, and throughout the whole ordeal, he never lost his job.
Now, more than a year and a half as a reunited family, life has assumed a familiar rhythm of school, homework, swap meets on the weekends.
As his kids play on the backyard trampoline, Wade says there are still issues.
His daughter misses her grandmother, and at times blames him. He’s committed to the kids keeping a relationship with their grandparents, even though he doubts he can ever repair his relationship with his former in-laws.
“Nobody’s a perfect parent. We do the very best we can,” he said. “And everybody has things to work on. Everybody.”