TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating this guy for about five months. I live in the city, he lives in the suburbs. Since I live where there’s more to do, and don’t own a car, he usually drives into the city to see me.

Since we’ve become more comfortable with each other, he now arrives at my apartment and expresses a great deal of annoyance at the homeless people he passed on his drive.

His annoyance verges on anger and really bothers me. I understand that harassment or unsafe driving situations can be very distressing and frustrating, but his anger seems to zero in on the homeless population, and I wouldn’t devote time and energy to being angry at a group of people so obviously less fortunate than me.

Lately I’ve just been letting him vent, because we all need that sometimes and also because it has caused intense arguments when I’ve protested.

How can I approach this without seeming like I am dismissing his feelings of being harassed or unsafe? – Comfortable in the City

If he is irritated by panhandlers but not equally so by some Bimmer riding his tail for being in the passing lane for a nanosecond too long, then you might well have a classist jerk for a boyfriend.

The specific issue could be anything. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, he rages equally at 7-Series drivers, so it’s not about empathy for the downtrodden. You still have a dynamic where you have legitimate concerns that you choose not to talk about because he makes you pay too dearly for speaking up.

That is at best a recipe for misery, and at worst dangerous.

Game over. He’s not the guy.