TELL ME ABOUT IT

Hi, Carolyn: I am an at-home parent to two daughters. We had planned for me to go back to work when they were both in school, but the job market (and my time away from it) made that prohibitively tough, so I’m still home.

My girls understand this is my “career.” My own mom stayed home with us kids; I know I took her for granted, and I see that I will have to continually remind my girls not to do the same thing.

My girls have asked whether they will also stay home when they’re adults. I try to give the “right” answer, that they should do what they believe is right for themselves and their families. However, I am worried that I am modeling at-home motherhood as the default.

And if I am being honest, I would prefer they not stay home when they grow up. I am financially vulnerable and under-socialized. We are making student loan payments on two degrees I’m not using, while trying to sock away money for my daughters to earn degrees of their own.

I want them to achieve more than I have, without looking down on me. How? – Walking the Tightrope

You teach them that it’s not OK to look down on anybody.

The problem is that you feel powerless – and you want your girls to have agency. Reasonably so.

If I’m right about that, then reconcile it in your mind and adapt your “right” answer accordingly: “I want what you do as adults to be your choice.” Also openly connect what you give to them, expect of them to the long-term goal of expanding their minds and expanding the menus they choose from.