Woman insecure in relationship

Dear Abby: I have been dating this guy for about a year. We are both 30. He lives at home. At first I thought it was to take care of his elderly father, but I soon realized it wasn’t the case.

His mom is sweet, yet overbearing. She inserts herself into his life at every opportunity. She talks to him like he’s the butler. (“Oh, perfect son of mine! Won’t you clear off the dinner table/ clean the kitchen/do EVERYTHING?!”) They cook together every night and attend church events together. He’s in the choir with her because he said it “pleases” her.

I don’t feel secure in this relationship because I don’t know my place. I feel like I have to compete with her (even though she tries to include me in everything). I see how she manipulates him, and it tears me apart inside. I view it as a hindrance to his own life. He is doing for her what he could be doing for himself or his own family, but he’s stuck in this Mommy cycle.

He will receive a large inheritance when his parents die. Could that be why he does it? He is a great lover and emotionally intelligent, but he depends on his mother too much for my comfort. I caught them in a long embrace after she had been away all weekend with his father. Then she came over to us while we were watching a movie and started kissing his head! It grossed me out. Help!

Dear Don’t: After reading your letter, it’s apparent that you are competing with his mother rather than she competing with you. There’s a saying that if you want to know how a man will treat his wife, watch how he treats his mother. Rather than feel manipulated, be glad she tries to include you in the family circle. And keep in mind, she and her “perfect son” are a package deal.