TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: About 14 months ago I moved across the country with my long-term partner for their career. I left my first job, at the time excited and hopeful about the possibilities for me in our new city. I was job-searching in an incredibly competitive field. Although I got several interviews and came close to getting a job many times, I ultimately gave myself a year to try to make it in this industry before realizing it was too competitive and ultimately incompatible with the way I saw my life going.

Being unemployed for over a year has killed my confidence and wreaked havoc on me emotionally, and it has been hard on my relationship. In January I started to switch gears and move in a new direction, but now with coronavirus, I feel like I’m staring down another year of unemployment and I’m full of selfloathing.

I compare myself to my partner, who is a rock star in their career and directly working to manage the virus. They’re headed to law school in the fall as well (theoretically), so I always see them doing amazing things while I’ve been unemployed and directionless for so long.

How do I forgive myself for my past choices? – Mid-20s, No Career

You did nothing wrong.

And you’re doing nothing wrong now, except succumbing to the pull of shame.

Trying something new is not a good or bad idea based only on the outcome.

There was also no guarantee, by the way, that you’d have stayed just fine in your old job had you opted not to move.

So that’s where I’d start with the de-shaming process: You’re struggling now, yes – but, barring our ability to be present in multiple realities, you have no other present circumstances to compare that with.

Meanwhile, your partner is “doing amazing things,” yes. Your partner also is not relevant for purposes of comparison, any more than the other 7-ish billion people on Earth are, because they’re not you. Your journey is your own.