Adult stepson causes tensions

Dear Abby: My wife and I have been married five months. Her 40-year-old son lives in our basement. He has a job, but I have no idea if he pays rent. If he doesn’t, it really doesn’t bother me.

What does bother me is that at his age, he should be out on his own by now. He’s trying to pay off school loans, which I understand. However, he is the one who incurred these bills. All he had to do was finish his dissertation and he would have had his doctorate. Instead, he quit school and doesn’t plan on going back.

My wife doesn’t think she’s an enabler, but I disagree. It’s getting very hard for me to put up with this situation.

Dear Upset: Much depends upon the reason your wife’s son quit school instead of getting that doctorate. I wish you had mentioned whether he has been living in his mother’s house since childhood, or if this is something relatively recent. He may have emotional or mental health issues that need addressing.

Because this is creating friction in your marriage, it may be something you and your wife should talk through with the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Dear Abby: I am 30 years old and single. I met this guy while I was working downtown three or four months ago. He is almost twice my age. At first I didn’t think of him as more than just a customer, but he’s very attractive for his age.

One day last month he told me he had lost his phone during my shift, so I asked him to give me his number so I could call him in case somebody found his phone, which I did. Later that night he called me asking, “Who is this?” so I told him who I was. We have been talking ever since and I have been spending every weekend at his house.

I’m starting to think I can see a future with this guy because I feel butterflies in my stomach. I like how things are between us. I care about him and maybe want more one day. What should I do?

Dear Liking: What you should do is continue exploring a relationship and find out if he feels the same way you do. But the two of you should take things slowly and discuss the age difference before making any commitments. Although his age isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker, it is significant.