TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have two teenage boys. My husband’s father was not very involved when he was a teen, mine was pretty strict. This has resulted in me being the “bad cop” while my husband gets to be the “good cop.” One of our kids is very headstrong, and my having to serve as the enforcer of rules has negatively affected our relationship.

I’d rather raise a successful adult than be pals with my teenage son, but I’m beginning to resent my husband as well, because I don’t feel like he has my back. For example, our son does not clean up his room after promising to do so. I take the keys to his car for the day. Son spends way more time arguing about the unfairness than it would take to actually clean his room.

Husband tells me he agrees there should be consequences, but taking car keys for the day is too much – then does not offer up alternatives.

I’ve asked my husband to have my back and he says he will, but when the stuff hits the fan, he reverts to his “Whatever I have to do to stop the arguing” mode.

– Anonymous

Anonymous: Is your husband a good person? You don’t mention a rap sheet or other dire consequences of less-involved fathering, and you did deem the result worth marrying, so I’ll make the admittedly big leap to his having been more or less successfully reared.

Why are you treating your/your father’s strictness as the only legitimate approach? Isn’t it possible “good cops” get some things right?

Your emphasis on enforcement over autonomy is undermining both outcomes now. Effective cops protect and build community, too.