CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: HELP! One of our family members habitually comes late to a gathering, making the grand entrance.

She and her daughter attended a wedding shower. They came late, ate the food and minimally socialized. Just as the presents were opened the two of them got up and exited the shower, smiling as they left. Fifteen months later, the same two attended a baby shower for the same relative. They again came late, barely interacted with anyone. When the meal was served, they ate and – again, just as presents were to be opened – they got up and left.

Several attendees made comments to their rudeness.

Please let us know how to deal with this relative, who feels this is acceptable behavior.

– Frustrated in the West

Frustrated in the West: Well, wait.

This is about past behavior, right, that you lately have all the time in the world to ruminate on, because you are currently not gathering to keep your community safe? Right?

Is etiquette important? Yes, emphatically so. It gives us a general idea of how to be considerate. It’s a blueprint for people who don’t want to give offense.

But it stops being useful when it’s deployed instead as a blueprint for taking offense.

I urge you and your fellow attendees to deal charitably with this relative and anyone else who goes off the script as harmlessly, in the scheme of things, as she does.

When(ever) she arrives, be happy to see her; when (ever) she leaves, say you’re glad she came. When she’s there, engage her in conversation. Go out of your way to include her – unless she’s clearly uncomfortable with hostly attention, in which case you make it your privilege to give her space.

This grace costs you nothing. It might enrich you both.

You can see it as rewarding bad behavior, sure – or you can see it as prioritizing inclusion. Up to you. Latter feels kinder.