TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: For 55 years of marriage, our main arguments are around her tidiness – to a point I would call anal – and my sloppiness, which my wife would call “pigsty.” Her thought pattern is pick up, clean up, don’t leave this sitting around, “if I was not around, this house would be a mess.” Mine is, “You find what you look for.”

To some extent she is correct – I am not a neatnik.I help clean, cook my own meals, do the laundry and wipe down things – these, she says, make no difference since they “should” be done. I will do whatever household chore she wants done, but she counters with, “I should not have to ask you – I am not your mother.”

Counseling long ago would have perhaps allowed both of us to come to a “center spot” on this, but I don’t believe either of us feel it will do any good now. Thoughts?

– Arizona

Arizona: So that’s it? You “don’t believe” (that either of you believe) counseling would work, so you won’t even try it?

But you’ll fight the same fight for six decades? You both appear dug in on being dug in. When that happens, it’s not about cleanliness anymore, or any other specific point you fix your disagreements on. It’s a proxy war.

Within this toddler-toy of sliding scales and perceptions, you’ve both chosen to see yourselves as firmly right and the other firmly wrong. Why? Why not choose to see – to look for – ways to meet the others’ needs without losing yourselves? Once there’s mutual sympathy, solutions tend to follow. Even after 55 years.

That’s what “discussions” are for. They only “go nowhere” when its parties refuse to budge.