TELL ME ABOUT IT

Hi, Carolyn: My husband comes from a very large, very close extended family that does just about everything together.

However, ever since we had a baby, my mother-inlaw seems to feel she should be a lot more involved in our lives and should be seeing our child more often than she is.

She has become very competitive with me as well when it comes to our son.

I have made an effort to make sure she sees him once a week, but she’s not happy with that arrangement and feels she should have more time.

My husband and I both work full-time (as does my mother-in-law), so our time with our son is precious to us. My husband is all about “just giving in to keep the peace,” but it really bothers me that he wants me to have her come over multiple times a week just to keep her happy.

It’s causing a lot of stress in my marriage and I don’t know how to proceed.

– M

M: I’ll bet it is. He’s “keeping the peace” with his parent at the expense of his spouse, arguably the worst possible strategy for marital harmony – except maybe adding a baby to it.

But you’ve got your own mental granite to move. You married into a “very close extended family that does just about everything together.” And you didn’t anticipate more of it showing up when you made it one infant bigger?

When you both own the old biases, habits and expectations you brought to your new family configuration, then each of you will be better positioned to recognize, and therefore provide, what the other needs – without undue cost to yourselves.