Family friend knows too much about couple’s finances

Dear Abby: I am friends with “Pete” and “Pam,” a couple I have known for more than 20 years. Pam is keeping secrets from Pete, and, unfortunately, I’m aware of it.

I need a way to address my concerns to Pete. He works full time in a great job, and his salary goes into a joint bank account. Pam handles all the finances and pays the bills – rent, car, etc. When Pete and I hang out and he asks Pam (who has the credit cards) for small amounts of money, she says, “Sorry, we don’t have it.” I understand that might be the case sometimes, but it happens ALL THE TIME.

Pam also secretly borrows cash from me. She pays it back late sometimes, but not always. I talked with Pam and told her to tell Pete she borrows. I don’t think she did, and it concerns me. I’m her enabler but I’m putting my foot down and not doing it anymore.

I’m worried because Pete thinks they have all this money saved for a house. I’m starting to think Pam has spent it, or most of it. How can I tell Pete as a friend to check the finances without starting World War III? I’d hate to lose my friends over this, but I’m afraid the money he is earning is going somewhere else – where, I have no idea. Please help.

– In Danger of Losing Friends

Dear In Danger: Tell Pete everything you have written to me. If he is so financially ignorant that he doesn’t know how to check his balances and his credit rating, he should talk with a CPA for help ascertaining his financial status. Whether Pam has a spending problem or some other type of addiction, he needs to know. He also needs to know how long his dreams of homeownership may need to be postponed if what you are concerned about is true.