ASK CAROLYN

Dear Carolyn: My husband often has negative thoughts about himself, despite my constant reassurance.

When I try to express my feelings or things I would like him to improve on, he gets very emotional and reacts like I’m telling him he is the worst person in the world. Recently, I told him how I would like his help more with our 1-year-old and gave specific examples and he took it as saying he never helps or is a bad dad. I end up feeling terrible for making him upset and wishing I just kept my mouth shut.

We need to have these conversations to improve and grow as a couple and a family. How can I have them without him becoming upset?

– Hard Conversations

Hard Conversations: Therapy. Now.

Your husband clearly would benefit from professional help. But my advice is for you: Find a therapist for you, alone, and get to work on both understanding and navigating this dynamic without getting sucked in.

You captured one reason when you described your need to have “I need help with X”-type conversations. That ability is baseline stuff for a functional relationship of any kind, and for co-parents it’s makeor-break.

When he “reacts like I’m telling him he is the worst person in the world,” that’s a form of manipulation, which in turn is a form of control, which is a form of abuse. People who are openly down on themselves tend not to be seen in that light, because they are (appropriately) seen as ailing emotionally, but a person can both suffer and be abusive.

Conversation has two parts: what you say, and how it’s heard. You are responsible only for what you say. Not for how your husband hears it.

That’s where the counseling comes in, to help you understand, see and hold this line. To help you stop assuming the responsibility and emotional work for things on your husband’s side of the boundary, including how he feels about himself. Having boundaries is the work that puts you emotionally out of the reach of anyone’s manipulation/control/abuse.