Is it reasonable for a spouse to ban all venting after work?

Dear Carolyn: How much – if at all – can we ask our spouse to be supportive and empathic when it comes to bad days at work?

Two years ago, I made a career change to a new position that has provided significant financial support and stability to me and my husband. The pay and benefits are wonderful, and I remain thankful I lucked into this opportunity.

However, the workload can be overwhelming. Some time into my new position, my husband asked that I end my habit of sharing the workday’s problems and frustrations with him, as listening to my stream of negativity was tiresome and off-putting. I understood his position and I stopped talking about work except when sharing something positive or optimistic. To be fair, he doesn’t complain about his job to me.

Recently I had an exceptionally rough day and ended up venting when I got home. I didn’t mean to uncork and dump on him; I was upset and it just kinda happened. My husband became aggravated and again asked I not complain about work.

I was hurt because on a day I needed empathy and support, I was instead made to feel like a villain.

I know there is a point to be made about finding a different job (I’m considering it). But is it unreasonable to have an expectation that a spouse be ready and willing to provide some form of comfort and support on those extra hard days?

– Bottled Up

Bottled Up: That’s a “before” question – one to ask before you over-dumped on your husband and wore him down until he insisted on a draconian agreement that you would not dump any more work stress on him ever.

You need “after” questions. Such as: “So, er, no exceptions?”

“How about a time limit – five minutes, on only my worst days?”

“I really overdid it back then, didn’t I?” Maybe your husband is particularly unsympathetic, sure. And maybe that’s particularly rich if he’s enjoying the extra money but won’t share the emotional work. But I suspect he has a point, based on your description and your “It all just fell out of my mouth!” defense.

This career change doesn’t sound like a mutual decision so much as your idea of what you both needed – and if so, then your husband might be ready for a family pay cut if it means getting you back and living in peace.

So that’s why I urge you to ask for sympathy by first expressing some to your husband. “I chose this, you didn’t, and I dumped so much of it on you – I’m sorry I pushed you to the point of reacting on reflex.” Then: “I do hope I get some leeway, though. I am not perfect.”

Then: “But even more, I hope you can help me figure out how to decompress. If you agree we’re both living better for the extra money, then I’d say we both have a role in absorbing the extra stress.” Without reenacting the day’s negativity or having to pretend everything is greatygreat-great.

What doesn’t fly, not for me at least, is reworking a highly specific mutual problem into a generalized shouldn’t-my-spousesupport-me? answer. The only right answer is the one you both think is right.

at