Daughter limits contact after mom criticizes her appearance

Dear Carolyn: I’m the mom of an adult daughter who has two elementary-age kids. For a few years, it seemed like my daughter was “letting herself go.” She gained about 40 pounds and no longer took much care with her clothing. She “retired” from her job that had been very high-paying but also very demanding, to stay home with her kids.

I made the mistake of making some comments about her appearance. Since then, she will no longer appear on screen when I Zoom with my grandkids – she will only speak off screen – and she only visits about once a year. What can I do at this point? Did I really screw up that bad? – Anonymous

Anonymous: Apparently so, right? There’s no objective standard here. Your daughter parcels out her attention based on what she thinks, not what you or I or anyone else thinks.

So there’s that. There’s also the problem of what you said to her, which was, in my objectively non-objective opinion, awful. The changes you describe in your daughter add up to the nonverbal announcement, “Mom, I’m struggling here.” And your response was?

“I’ll say. You look like [crap].”

At what is commonly a time of peak female self-image fragility.

So there’s that.

Given the absence, again, of an objective standard, your daughter could have responded in a range of ways – anything from “Ya right thanks Mommy!” to estrangement. Though she still seems to trust you with the kids, her remaining so far out of your reach is near the extreme end of that range, suggesting this wasn’t the first time you so judgmentally misspoke.

So the first step in making amends with your daughter is a reckoning with yourself. Have you done this before – have you missed her inner struggles because you couldn’t get past the surface? Have you hurt her when she needed help? Have you done it a lot, a little, just this once?

If it’s the former, then claiming you simply misspoke this one itty bitty time is too little, which she will also recognize as years too late. It might even make matters worse.

Apologizing to your daughter is still the second step, regardless – but since its quality will directly reflect the quality of your introspection, save it for when you’re ready to assume the full scope of the responsibility for whatever you did wrong. Do so even if you believe she has overreacted, because it’s not either-or; your mistake can be a 90 and she can mistakenly react as if it was 100, and you still need to apologize for the full 90. Maybe even 100 as a hedge against undercounting. Because your job right now isn’t to be accurate, it’s to be self-aware, humble, and sorry for real.

She may not come around no matter how thoroughly you own your mistake(s) – all together now, no objective standards – but you boost your chances by getting it right. And by rethinking your values on looks. And by assuming the work and expense of those visits; once a year with two young kids might be all she can face.