React properly when wife lashes out

Hi, Carolyn: My wife and I have been married for 28 years. Ninety-five per cent of the time we get along great.

She was one of 14 children and has issues with abandonment and neglect. There is a little girl inside her who is hurt and very sensitive. In the past, her anger issues resulted in yelling and occasional physical violence — throwing things and damaging property.

She has stopped doing those things, but settled into a pattern targeting me for angry words and avoidance.

She often acknowledges that her anger stems from age-old feelings of inadequacy and shame. When I ask, “Where are the car keys?” she is reminded that she didn’t put them where they usually go and isn’t as organized as she’d like. So, I get the rattlesnake response. When I complain, she erupts in anger and leaves, saying she needs to work it out. Though she rarely apologizes, she tries to make it up to me later with affection, a massage, etc.

Sometimes when she lashes out, I just keep still, not wanting to get into it. But for the sake of self-respect, I typically do speak up, saying she makes me feel as if I am in her way, insignificant, not worthy of courtesy.

She resists therapy nowadays. I used to hope that, as with other problems we’ve overcome, we would get past this. We are now 60 and I don’t have that hope anymore. Any thoughts? — Please Don’t Be Angry at Me for Asking

Carolyn says: As the calmer, healthier party, you can break this firewith-fire pattern by making your response observational vs. emotional and about her vs. you: “I’ve apparently touched a nerve; do you need a moment?” De-escalating, self-respect intact. And if she attacks again, “I’ll step away for a bit.” De-escalating, self-respect intact.

It’s a small thing that can make big changes to how you feel.