The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Difference-makers
Looking at big picture, it’s more fun to be a Falcons fan.
HOUSTON — The Falcons will meet the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl one day soon. Stay with us. There actually is a game at the end of this long wind tunnel.
And when they do take the field, there
The quarterbacks
Tom Brady was the 199th player selected in the 2000 draft and overcompensated by winning a bunch of Super Bowls and marrying a supermodel. Good, solid, secure Matt Ryan was the third overall pick in 2008 and married the woman he met his freshman year at Boston College. That certainly swings The View-watching demographic his way.
Brady was suspended for four games this season for employing an underinflated football. His critics used to say Ryan had an underinflated arm. Only one of these charges has been categorically disproved this season.
It was suggested in the movie “Ted II” that there is a celestial glow emanating from somewhere unmentionable on Brady. Ryan wouldn’t have done that scene, so we may never know the extent of his under-chassis lighting.
The home states
Look, anyone can spell Georgia on the first try and then we all happily move on to the second round of the geography bee. No self-important overuse of consonants here.
On the other hand, Massachusetts seems about twice as long as it needs to be. It ranks 44th in land area in the U.S., yet is tied for first for length of state name. Who are they trying to impress?
Just clearly saying Massachusetts is considered a reliable road sobriety test in most states. will be no shortage of differences to set the teams apart. You can tell the players without a program — so save the $18 and splurge on a couple more toppings for the game-day pizza instead.
Contrasts abound, all pretty much adding up to the inescapable conclusion that our way of life is so vastly superior to theirs.
The coaches
In his public persona, the Patriots’ Bill Belichick is to positive energy what drapery is to a greenhouse.
He could have played the droning teacher in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ” — but it would have required running 110 volts through his neck just to achieve that level of engagement.
By contrast, Dan Quinn charges his cellphone just by speaking into it. He can make an infomercial host sound weary. And he saves wearing a hoody for special occasions, like cleaning the gutters in March.
Together they prove that there are diametrically opposite ways in which to hoard information.
Celebrity fans
The Patriots have a nice roster: Your usual Boston suspects such as Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, John Krasinski, Elizabeth Banks, any given Affleck. Throw in a Steven Tyler, a Jim Caviezel, a Chris (Captain America) Evans, and you have the makings of a solid awards/protest show.
The Falcons’ contingent is so much more diverse, from “You Might be a Redneck” humorist Jeff Foxworthy to Usher, from former president Jimmy Carter to Ludacris, from Zach Brown to 2 Chainz.
But three names are all you really need in response. Samuel. L. Jackson. (Drop the mic, this one’s over).
The star receivers
The Falcons gave up two years’ worth of valuable draft picks (two first round, one second round, two fourth rounds) to move up 21 spots in 2011 to draft Julio Jones.
For Chris Hogan, the receiver who led them in their AFC championship game victory, the Patriots did give a generous three-year free-agent deal after Buffalo offered him the NFL minimum. He played more college lacrosse than he did football, but is learning nicely how to catch the ball in his hands.
Can never quite shake the feeling that the Patriots have to use a Sam’s Club card when they go shopping for receivers.
The fan base
OK, look, there is no “h” in car. So, let’s all say it correctly, shall we?
Falcons fans haven’t enjoyed the results necessary to be truly obnoxious (although, granted, that has done little to stop some Bulldogs people). But given a chance, they could grasp that trait.
So, if the Patriots people are a little loud and a bit brash, they really can’t help it. They’ve won a lot, and they’re from the Northeast, a lethal combination.
As a group they were proudly represented before the AFC Championship game by the fellow who pulled the fire alarm in the hotel where the Pittsburgh Steelers were staying. His reported explanation to authorities was as priceless as it was unnecessarily repetitive: “I’m drunk. I’m stupid. I’m a Pats fan.”
The owners
Rich people in general are difficult for the common man to relate to. If we are keeping score on that count, then the Falcons’ Arthur Blank is more cuddly by a couple of billion dollars.
The Patriots’ Robert Kraft came in at No. 102 in the most recent Forbes 400 list of richest people ($5.1 billion). Well behind at No. 214 was Blank ($3.1 billion). So, if those two friends make it to dinner this week, here’s hoping Kraft buys.
Also, only one is likely to give NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell a purple nurple if involved in the postgame trophy ceremony.
The cheating
The Patriots are the Picasso of this art, the masters of deception. Those of a certain age may recall the work-release snowplow operator who veered to clear a spot for a winning field goal vs. Miami way back in 1982. It got more institutional after that.
So what if the Falcons were pumping up the volume a little in the Dome, nothing any fraternity hasn’t been busted for multiple times. And nothing compared with videotaping the opposition’s signals or taking a little air out of the football.
Shudder to think what New England may be up to now. We just hope someone’s tasting Ryan’s food this week before he eats it.
The front offices
It is with sincere appreciation that we mark the Patriots’ contribution to the Falcons’ success. While the team’s organizational chart looks a bit like a D.C. road map — and coach Dan Quinn is atop it helpfully demanding fast and physical players over those who are slow and shy — both GM Thomas Dimitroff and assistant GM Scott Pioli came this way via the Patriots.
There is no GM per se in New England. Bill Belichick assumes that role. But it has a very sharp 41-year-old player-personnel guy, Nick Caserio, who we could shoehorn into Flowery Branch very nicely. As with any workplace, there never is a shortage of executive titles.
The kickers
You probably wouldn’t want this game to come down to a missed extra-point attempt. That would be like replacing Final Jeopardy with rock-paper-scissors. Or maybe you would. Both kickers — the Falcons’ Matt Bryant and the Pats’ Stephen Gostkowski — are their teams’ all-time leading scorers. Bryant (41) has shower shoes older than his 33-year-old counterpart.
Just saying, both have missed some extra-point attempts this year: Gostkowski four and Bryant one. Gostkowski missed one that was crucial to last season’s AFC championship.
Just planting the seed.
The home fields
The Falcons will move into their new shelter next season (keep renting those cars, visitors — and may we suggest an upgrade to premium). And in a couple of years, Atlanta will get a third try at the Super Bowl. Start laying in supplies now for the ice storm.
The Big Game may get to Foxborough — home of the Patriots — one day, as soon as they get a cellphone signal out there and the GPS can find them.
Gillette Stadium is perfectly fine, but it is just as much located in a suburb of Providence, R.I., as it is Boston. Imagine the Braves moving to another county — like Floyd County.
Everything is just newer and better in the South.
The national perception
Certainly everyone who wasn’t an extra in “The Departed” will be cheering for the Falcons on Sunday. Some have suggested they are “America’s Team” for just this one game, having replaced that franchise up the road in Arlington. Only without the haughtiness.
For the vast number of neutrals out there, cheering for the Patriots just wouldn’t seem to be an option. That would be like cheering for the power company in a rate hike hearing.
The history
New England has laughed in the face of parity for the better part of this young century. The Patriots have four Super Bowl titles since 2001 and nine conference championships all told. That kind of thing is just not supposed to happen anymore. Bernie Sanders is not pleased.
The Falcons are the Falcons. Not much else to say really. They are one of 13 teams that have gone without winning a Super Bowl. Until they break through, they are just part of the faceless masses.
Sports columnists
It was Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy who fired the first shot when he suggested it was difficult to get fired up about playing a nothing team and sports town such as Atlanta in the Super Bowl. He’s so mean. Especially when considering that three of the Patriots’ Super Bowls titles have come against the less fortunate — Philadelphia, St. Louis and Carolina.
In Atlanta we would never stoop to making sport of the opposition. Or take cheap shots at their town or their reputation or their speech patterns (disregard all the above). We have way too much class for that.