Need a parenting expert? You’ve already got one

My wife and I have three children, two of them teenagers. Any success I share in raising them is due in part to persistence and hope. But as we all know, parenting can be a grind.

My mother once said the easiest job in the world is telling other people how to raise their kids. Books, radio call-in shows, podcasts and seminars abound for every perceived malady, condition and bump in the road that kids face. Listen to enough of it, and you’re spinning like a weather vane. So I took my mom’s statement, focused on ways to meet my kids where they are and realize this now: If actively involved in a kid’s life, the parent is the expert. Who knows a child better than his or her parent?

That doesn’t mean the job is any less tough.

My parenting success with our oldest and most strongwilled son has had its ups and downs. In between the hugs, our 15-year-old son has accused me of being unfair and a bad listener. There are slumps in which I can’t seem to connect with him. But I’ve learned over the years that he can be contemplative, so I try to engage him with an activity that leads to a discussion rather than a distraction.

A couple of years ago, for example, I bought a chess set and placed it on a table in our living room. Once every few months, I’d ask our kids whether they wanted to learn how to play. No takers. But they also didn’t get a lecture from me about how chess is a game everyone should learn. Last spring, of his own desire, my eldest son joined his school’s chess club. During the summer, he finally asked me whether I wanted to play, and now we’ve been playing once a week since. I limit my comments to applauding his good moves and wait for him to tell me about school, girls or whatever. So far, there’s been nothing earthshaking to report. But he knows at least once a week that he has my attention for an hour.

I’m far from perfect. But my efforts are underpinned by love and a desire that my kids care about others more than themselves. I’ll bet if you’ve read this far you feel the same way about your children. Searching for ways to connect with my kids confirmed that I have to trust my expertise and be persistent.