Keep opinions about the deceased to yourself

Dear Miss Manners: My mother-in-law is very ill, and we have all been put on alert for her passing away. According to the doctors, it will happen in a few weeks. We are preparing mentally for this.

My mother-in-law and I have never been close or friendly. She has always said disparaging things about me to my face and behind my back. Consequently, my in-laws have treated me as an outsider.

While not glad for her passing — and wanting to be supportive of my spouse — I don’t know how to respond when I will receive comments like ”So sorry for your loss” or ”She was such a good mother-inlaw.” I’m not sorry to no longer have her in my life — and she was not a good mother-in-law.

Gentle Reader: You should respond to condolences by saying ”Thank you” and let pass any praise they may offer. They are not asking for a recital of your grievances.

Miss Manners believes that you should also be aware that by doing otherwise — by what you think of as setting the record straight — the reputation you alter is likely to be your own.

Complaining about inlaws while they are alive may elicit some sympathy, but doing so instead of mourning is not likely to have that response. It will seem gratuitously mean — which is why there is a convention of not speaking ill of the dead — as well as callous toward your presumably grieving spouse. People who feel they have known a better side of your mother-in—law will conclude that you were the problem.

Dear Miss Manners: When serving tea to guests, does one put in the milk and sugar first, or the tea?

I understand that the historical reason for adding milk first (that the china would crack otherwise) is no longer applicable, and that some people are firm advocates of adding the milk second so that you can properly gauge the strength of the tea, but I am unsure what is required by etiquette.

Personally, I think that adding the milk first lends a certain elegance. Additionally, should you stir the tea for the guest, or hand them their tea with the spoon resting on the saucer and allow them to stir it themselves?

Gentle Reader: As you may be aware, the issue known as Milk In First (or Last) is highly emotionally charged, especially in England.

Miss Manners refuses to take sides in the chemistry arguments. But if ”elegance” is what you are after, whatever that means, she must tell you that certified snobs look down on the MIF folks.

Fortunately, there is no class angle to the question of stirring. Anyone who drinks tea is presumed to be capable of stirring it.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail. com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.