Outrage over partner’s refusal to apologize

Dear Carolyn: My partner said something hurtful, which was not meant to hurt me but did. After I explained why it hurt and how I felt, he refused to apologize for hurting my feelings.

When I explained that people who care about each other are supposed to apologize if they cause hurt even unintentionally, and I consider being able to do so an essential relationship skill, he said he “could just give me a sincere-sounding but fake apology.” However, he wouldn’t do that because it is important to him to be honest.

He doesn’t think what he said should have hurt my feelings because he clarified it.

I am no longer upset about the original remark, but find myself lastingly troubled by his refusal to simply apologize for hurting me. He has offered about six variations of “I’m sorry you feel that way” to add insult to injury.

Am I correct to conclude this person is giving me every reason to believe he doesn’t care about my feelings as much as he cares for his pride?

I’m trying to find some way to justify staying in the relationship but I haven’t yet. — Sorry I Only Date Grown Folks

Carolyn says: If I were beside you two in a restaurant, I’d have asked to be reseated.

Not because you’re awful or he is (necessarily), but because this argument says you’re audibly awful together.

Ido see your point. I support the free flow of apologies. I can step on my husband’s toe after fully not intending to steponit,and will still ungrudgingly say, “Sorry! You OK?” Plus, never apologizing is gaslighty. (See my July 14 column.)

But: If he responds to my accidental toestep by howling as if I sledgehammered him on purpose, then I might suddenly (and yes, pettily and wrongly) get stingy on owning my part.

If someone credibly explains the innocence of a comment I found offensive, then I’m saying, “Igetitnow,t hanks” — not, “You still owe me an apology.”

Funny thing about this outrage-vs.-resistance dynamic: It’s often irrelevant who’ showl ing or withholding, who started what, or why. To parse it is to miss the larger point t hatyou’ve both stopped trying to engage or embrace each other. He feels misunderstood and overprosecuted f oran errant remark, and you feel misunderstood and undernurtured for an injury. All me, no us.

So I’ll ask this: Do you actually like him? Yes or no.Stayorgo.

If stay, then do so by dropping your dukes. See whether he does the same.