How to teach young kids gratitude

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn: My family is extremely lucky —

enough to eat, a safe place to live, health, loving extended family.

I have two small children, and I want them to understand just how lucky we are, and that we should be

grateful and give back. How can we encourage small kids (2 and 4) to be appreciative of life’s gifts?

Are there ways we can give back to our community as a family — not a money donation, but some sort of volunteering we can all participate in, maybe?

Ioftentellmy family how lucky I feel, and

I try to explain why, but I’m not always sure I am doing it in an age-appropriate way that helps the kiddos understand in whatever way they can at this stage. — Grateful

Carolyn says: The most important actions aren’t so much ageappropriate as ageless: model empathy yourself; say what you think

and then ask your kids what they think; show your feelings, and don’t penalize your kids (or others) for showing theirs; demonstrate that it’s important to respect

and listen to your and others’ feelings but not be controlled by them.

Also: Say w hat you’re grateful for and ask your kids, reg ularly,todo the same; admit your failures; treat those

failures as sources of strength and encourage that frame of mind with your children.

Not surprisingly, ways to foster empathy and gratitude are big topics on the (conscientious) national mind right now. Some recent works:

“Teaching empathy: What kind of parent are

you ?”(b it.ly/NiceKid1), and, “Are you raising nice kids?” (bit.ly/NiceKid2) by Amy Joyce; and two of my columns, “How can I rai seac hild who doesn’t bully and isn’t bullied?” (bit.ly/NiceKid3) and

“When to start talking to our sons about rape and consent” (bit.ly/ NiceKid4). All of these cite other sources for further reading. I also recommend

reading up on Nonviolent Communication (www. cnvc.org), which is rooted in acknowledgment of

and resp ectfor common needs (as opposed to oppressive me me me-ism).

“The Opposite of

Spoiled,” by Ron Lieber, gets at your question along the complicated path of talking to kids

about money. Asyoureadthis material, you may notice much of it isn’t about empathy directly — and that’s because empathy is about everything. It’s not what you see, but how you choose, or are taught, to see it.

In that sense, just raising your kids to be readers is a way to foster empathy.

Other worlds, other experiences, other feelings, other opinions,

other possibilities: The more your kids read (bit. ly/NiceKid5), the more of these they’ll carry within them. Dear Carolyn: How do

youshutupap erpetual joker? Someone who won’tshutupfora

second or s aya single sincere thing as long as

he has arapt audience? Or is it on me, the annoyed person, to just minimize my exposure?

—P hilly Carolyn says: Pretty

much. Even if it were universally agreed (it obviously isn’t) that his

perpetual joking was unwelcome, it wouldn’t be your or anyone’s place to chang eh im or “shut” him “up.”

You can register displeasure, you can opt not to invite him, you can leave, you ca n call the usher if he talks in a theater. That’s about it.