Husband insists on allowing parents to crash beach vacation

Dear Carolyn: When my husband and I first married, I had a wonderful relationship with his parents. However, over the last decade, his mother’s health has deteriorated such that she is now both severely disabled and depressed. My father-inlawisaw onderful man who has devoted his life to her care but, despite hisdevotion,she directs her unhappiness at him. Spending time with them is difficult.

My husband agrees they’re not easy, but also mourns his mom’s disabilities. They are local so we probably see them monthly.

They recently announced their plan to join us on the annual beach vacation with my side of the family (who is not local). They plan to rent a house nearby during the same week.

Carolyn, this time with my husband and children is dear to me and the prospect of an in-law invasion makes me miserable. When I shared these fee lingsw ith my husband and proposed alternatives (a weekend getaway with them or time together during a different week) he flipped out and was devastated. He said he cannot tell them no and I am unreasonable for not accommodating them.

I’mnotthe ty petop ut my foot down, but I’ve done so, and my husband is now sleeping on the couch and not speaking to me. Aside from this one issue, our relationship is great. I need a sanity check ;amIinthewr ong? — Anonymous

Carolyn says: No.Even if your mother-in-law were in perfect health and pleasant company, you’d have every right to veto, saying, “We see your par- ents monthly; t hisismy family’s time.”

And, his “flipping out” on you is not OK regardless. Even when such an emotional outburst is understandable, a loving, matur e adult will de-escalate and apolog izeforlosing his composure. Sticking with it over days, against someone who is making clear efforts to both honor her priorities and make reasonable trade-off stodoso,is not acting in good marital faith.

It’s important to recognize, though, that being right can still be wrong if you don’t recognize the emotional stakes. E vena loving, mature adult can buckle under the strain of helplessness in a crisis like his mother’s, and when that happens, it’s not unusual for someone to unl oads ome of the excess weight onto the nearest “safe” person. In this case, you.

Or in the case of his mother: his father. You say she unloads on him “despite his devotion,” but I would argue it’s because of it. Whom can we blame for infirmity, mortality a ndloss? The universe? So, we blame our best friends for burning the toast.

People generally don’t do this consciously, they just drop their guard around the person they trust not to leave.

If your husband’s flip- outisinde ed uncharacteristic, then I think you can safely treat this as his attacking not you or your family time, but the Human Condition — by the nearest available means.

So approach him accordingly. “Your mom’s ordeal is tea ringyouup. I see that.” Wait a beat for a response. If none, then say you didn’t mean to add more stress and you’re there for him when he’s rea dy. Then, patience. Hold firm on the beach or relent — up to you — but either way, he needs the best listener you can be.