Competing with in-laws for a Thanksgiving visit

Dear Carolyn: My daughter has been married to “Peter” for eight years and they have two awesome girls, 4 and 1. They live near his parents. Thus, his parents can enjoy seeing their granddaughters at least once a week.

My wife and I organize a family reunion every Thanksgiving with our two sons, daughter, their spouses and kids. My sons and their families are always eager to attend, one of them flying from Europe.

My daughter and her family are not coming this year because Peter says they must go to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving.

Is this fair? His parents can enjoy the kids whenever they wish, while all we are asking is a day for a family reunion. Money is not an obstacle. I usually pay for flights, hotel, etc. — Sad Grandfather

Carolyn says: Ooh. You used the F word.

You are asking only for one day a year, yes, to their 50-to-200-ish days.

But you are also asking for the same holiday every year. While if I were those parents I would grant you that, gladly (and gratefully for my enormous proximity advantage ),Ialso understand that people are funny about their holidays and their kids and grandchildren. I’ve heard over the years from plenty who live close by and see their families often and are still are saddened they will never see X branch of their family on Y holiday, therefore never sharing this or that cherished tradition with them.

Perspective counts, of course, and — again — putting myself in the position of the in-town relatives, I would concede Thanksgiving without hesitation to the out-of-towners, because my advantage is that steep.

But in addition to their having a possibility of a point about Thanksgiving, there’s also nothing at the end of the “It’s not fair!” road except resentment and hard feelings. This is n ota court case or atra ck meet. There’s no set of laws or r uless pelling out what you win. These are families with full autonomy to blow you off for no reason. The best outcome you can hopefor lies in your ability to be cheerful, understanding and flexible about what this young family needs.

“We’ veh ada monopoly on Thanksgiving, I understand that. But we miss you guys! And this is the one time our family gathers. Can we arrange another time to have you come here?”

Deep breathing until you can say this to your daughter without blurting out, “… and they see you all the freaking time.” Because if being right were all you needed to get your way, then advice columns wouldn’t have made it out of the 1600s.

You are right. Now for your own sake, release that and go to Plan B.

Dear Carolyn: My mother means well, but she knows no boundaries.

When Imo ved in tomy current home with my husband, “John,” and our 7-year-old son three years ago, we invited my mother over to see the new house. We were annoyed but not surprised when she found our spare key and made a copy for herself.

Since then, she has seen herself in at any time, without calling in advance. When we are not home she moves our furniture around, rinses our dirty dishes without soap and puts them away (still dirty). She throws out things she assumes are trash — including my debit card recently and, in the past, my diamond earrings. John went dump- ster-diving to rescue them. Last week she tried on John’s glasses and then lost them. We later found them bent and buried in a hamper full of our dirty laundry.

I’ve told her repeatedly that while we appreciate the gesture very much, it is not necessary and we would appreciate if she left our house chores to us.

My mother is very sensitive and emotional, so it is particularly difficult to discuss these concerns without her getting defensive and causing a scene in front of our son (yelling at us, sobbing uncontrollably, guilting him into being mad at John and me for saying anything to her). We try our best to de-escalate these scenes, but the only bait she’ll take is in the form of profuse apologies and admission of being wrong. We’re getting nowhere. Any advice? — J.

Carolyn says: Um, yes? Change! The! Locks! And please, please talk to a good family therapist, by yourself. You’re right, Mama has boundary issues to spare, but that’s her side of the boundary. An ability to hold your side is all you ever need.

Thats mall obstacle is Everest, though, unless you know how to clear it — and with your mother as your primary teacher, of course you weren’t taught how. No shame there.

But do rectify this now by getting professional guidance to understand the dynamic, learn to s ay “no” and hold firm through a scene. Your mom’s, your son’s, anybody’s.

Not that you can make her get it, but your mom clearly needs help of her own. Remember this when s hefe els too strong to resist.