Sibling should stay far away from social media mess

Dear Miss Manners: A rather odious problem: My sister-in-law posted something on social media that was quite disturbing. She made a disparaging remark about my brother, which referenced their intimate (or lack thereof ) relations and made a shocking and vulgar comment about my brother in that regard. Several family members saw the posting, one of whom asked her to remove it, which she did.

My brother does not know about this. He doesn’t use social media, and no one wants to tell him. I think he should know, but I can’t bring myself to tell him,andI’mnotsureifI should.

Canyouadviseme? Should one of us tell him about this unfortunate event? If we tell him, I doubt he will be able to forgive her. IknowIcan’t.I’m about to make a t riphome (I live in a distant city). I’m looking forward to seeing my brother, but I really don’t want to see my sisterin-law, and I’m not sure how to deal with this. Please let me know what you would do.

Gentle Reader: Stay as far away from the situation as possible. Miss Manners insists that no good can come from being the messenger here. Especially since the posting has since been taken down, there will be trust issues on all sides if the family accuses his wife of something that he can no longer witness himself, and that she can always deny.

It will be far easi er—a nd less expensive — for your brothertoengageinalasting fight with hisr elatives than with his wife. If your brother does, at some point, find out and chastise you for not alerting him, you can rightl ytellhimthatyou thought it was none of your business. And alert your sister-in-law in kind.

Dear Miss Manners: Save-the-date cards for my upcoming wedding went out several months ago, and we’re preparing to send formal invitations in a few weeks. One of my fiance’s lifelong friends emailed me to confirm that he and his wife were still invited because, he said, ”budgets and venues change.”

I was a little taken aback that he felt the need to ask. We considered all the major details final, including our guest list, once save-thedates were out; we thought the save-the-date was itself a form of invitation. Are we correct in assuming that? Does rescinding a save-thedate, a s our friend implied we might do, actually happen?

Gentle Reader: Probably, but that does not make it correct. Save-the-dates are binding on the part of the issuer, but not on the part of the receiver. They were created out of convenience for guests who need to plan their schedules and travel arrangements, not for hosts who might have changed their minds about their guests. If fo r no other reason, Miss Manners urges hosts to remember the travel arrangement par tw hen t heyp la y fast and loose with their own financial decisions.