Is daughter-in-law giving cold shoulder, or just awkward?

Dear Carolyn: I have known my daughter-in

law for 14 years, but we have no relationsh ip.We have never had an argu

ment or evenany unkind words between us. Their son, our only grand

child, is the apple of my e yean d we have aw onderful time with him. The problem is th atnomatter what I seem to do, my daughter-in-law shuns me. She rarely speaks to me.IfIspeaktohershe responds with one or two words. On a recent visit to their home, there were no she etsonourb ed, no towels, and no toilet paper in

the bathroom. I had just sent them a gift for their anniversary, and it was sitting in the family room. She never acknowledged it or thanked us.

Ias ked my son, in private, what I might do to

improve my relationship with her. He said there is no problem; she’s like that with everyone, she is just quiet. He seemed annoyed I would even ask. I clarified that if I perceived it to be a problem then there was validi tyin that, but he

simply changed the sub

ject.

I know things could be much worse. She is not mean to me ; she does not prevent access to my grandchild or overtly

interfere with my rela

tionship with my son. It is just so terribly awkward and uncomfortable to be around someone who works so hard to

maintain distance. I worry that if I try to address this directly with her, I jeopardize what I currently have. I sadly find myself simply ignoring her during our visits now, since I cannot continue to tolerate what

I perceive as her rejection of me.

I vacillate between accepting her “as she is”

and being angry at what ca non l yb e described as rudeness. Your suggestions? — Never Thought It Would Be This Hard Carolyn says: Your son gave you the only answer you need, and an out: This is just the way his wife is.

It’ s not the answer you wanted — you want a warm relationship with your daughter-in-law

(“Dilly”), understandably, and TP is nice, and so you were hoping to hear there was something concrete you were doing wrong and could therefore fix. But it was the second

best answer, and also a totally workable one. Your son gave you license to accept Dilly as she is. Forget whether it’s actually true that “she’s like that with everyone”; foryourp urposes, it is. She’s inert matter: not good, not bad, just there.

Let’s put proper emphasis, too, on the “not bad.” You are welcome in the lives of your son and your grandchild and I obviously don’t have to remind you that not everyone with a lessthan-welcoming son

or daughter-in-law is so blessed.

I’d also argue this

reframing is not optional. Your son’s answer is workable only if you choose not to walk yourself outon tot he “I cannot continue to tolerate” limb, and

choose to rethink “what I perceive.” Taking Dilly personally makes you her adversary. Taking her as

sociall y awkwa rd, and being consistently warm and kind, makes yo u her ally. Mayb eath awwill never happen, but where’s your best chance that it will?

Oh, and about those absentee linens — Dilly and your son are manners-challenged. Don’t lay that all on the girl.