Reconsider judging boyfriend’s unladylike daughter

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a wonderful man, “Len,” for a few months now and it’s been really great. We have a lot in common — we’re both divorced, successful and have grown daughters.

I’m struggling with keeping an open mind about Len’s daughter, “Becca.” While Becca is beautiful and smart, she is also, for someone in her early 20s, opinionated, sarcastic, and very open about her sex life. She describes herself as “aromantic” (i.e., not interested in anything long-term with men), which I would find equally unacceptable if she were male. She couldn’t be more different from my daughters, and while I know that’s her right, I find myself silently judging her choices all of the time. She also engages in risky sports like rock- and iceclimbing, which worries Len a lot, but she doesn’t let that bother her at all.

I’m afraid my attitude is going to become evident, so I’d rather change how I feel about her rather than just keep hiding it. How do I do that? — Silently Judging

Carolyn says: Wait a minute. Fully grown Becca shouldn’t climb because her daddy doesn’t like it? She should commit to a man long-term even though she’s not interested (and these unions are wretched, regardless of whether a man or woman forces them)? She can be opinionated and sarcastic, but only if it stops by her early 20s?

I’d take a hundred Beccas over one more 1955.

You don’t have to love her or even enjoy her company, but please at least recognize:

How badly the world needs its Beccas and other characters. How your own daughters today reap the benefits of the fearless Beccas of yesterday. How boring the world would be if all the Beccas were shamed into hiding by people who think brassiness is just a failure of breeding and taste.

How unseemly it is to judge others, period, whose chief offense is to be different from you, as if the superiority of your way is a given.

Again — don’t like her? OK. Your prerogative. She may well have crossed the line anyway between being her badass self and seeking attention for it. But that’s not what you’ve cited here, and not what you’re judging.

What you find distasteful about Becca all sounds like a 2018 remix of, so help me, her not acting like a lady. And the remedy for judging is to internalize how wrong it is to judge.

So please reconsider. Thank you.

Hi, Carolyn: I have a friend who has been seeing someone for about a year, and she wants him to meet me. We don’t have any mutual friends and so this would almost certainly happen with just the three of us. To make matters worse, they have a somewhat unique situation that I don’t really think is great, to the point that she once considered breaking it off and I said I thought she should. It’s not the type of situation where she is in any danger, though, and since she chose to stay, I try to be supportive.

I simply don’t want to have a two-on-one coffee session with them. Is there any way I could tell her I’d rather not without hurting her feelings? — Squeaky Third Wheel Carolyn says: She’s your friend. It’s coffee. Just set low expectations and go. Email Carolyn at tellme@ washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook. com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www. washingtonpost.com.