Troubled teen needs at-home rehab

When I was a child, my most important possession was my bicycle, followed closely by my radio.

My parents were strict, and I was given to mischief, so I was punished a fair amount — more than any of my friends, for sure. My parents’ default penalty was to ground me to the house for a week, sometimes more. On occasion, they grounded me to my room — I could, of course, come out to do chores, which they seemed to delight in assigning whenever I was grounded — and confiscated my radio.

I’m sharing this personal history because of something odd about many of today’s parents, or at least a good number of those who come to me seeking advice, much of which pertains to narcissistic, sociopathic behavior on the part of their kids. The odd thing in question is a self-defeating form of enabling.

To use a not-uncommon example, a young teen’s parents tell me she is disrespectful and belligerently defiant toward them, refuses to lift a finger around the house, and is just plain nasty toward her younger siblings. The girl is in dire need of an athome rehab program. I recommend taking everything away from her that is not of absolute necessity, including, of course, her smart phone. For how long? the parents ask. Until she turns herself around, becomes a model family citizen, and sustains her recovery for three months. They look at one another like they’ve just realized they’re in a room with a person who’s not in possession of a completely right mind. They tell me they don’t think they can do that. Why not? I ask.

“Well, John, I mean, um, uh, well, in her peer group everyone communicates by phone,” the father answers. “And, well, uh, I mean that’s her whole social life…it’s, well, it’s her whole world.”

Precisely. That’s the point. I understand that certain possessions can become super-important to a teenager and that one particular possession can become key to the teen’s social life. There are times when nothing short of a “Godfather offer” — one the child can’t refuse — will bring about what the child does not know is in his or her best interest: civil behavior. And yes, when things get to that point, they are sure to get worse before they get better.