Forget the gifts; step up efforts to fix relationship

Dear Miss Manners: For a variety of reasons that are too tedious to recount here, chiefly involving in-laws, we are estranged from our only child. We now have a 9-month-old grandchild whom we have yet to see.

We gave a gift at the baby shower, and were later told, “We don’t want anymore of your cheap ***t. You have to understand that if you send anything more, we’ll return it for cash.” The gift was actually ordered in from Europe, from a rather sought-after store.

A very dear relative has sought to repair the damages by inviting us all for Christmas.

We plan to make a donation to a charity in the name of our child, spouse and grandchild as a Christmas gift. We feel this will spare them the unenviable task of returning an unwanted gift, and will also help the less fortunate. This will be our plan going forward. We feel that an active and real demonstration of concern for the less fortunate may be of great long-term benefit to our grandchild.

Might Miss Manners have advice on the best way to present this donation? We think an email to our estranged child et al. from the charity will not be good. In order to avoid the “cheap ***t ” designation, it will be in the four-figure range. We are thinking of putting the thank-you letter from the charity in a shirtsize box, wrapped attractively.

Gentle Reader: It seems to Miss Manners that a tremendous amount of effort — and money — is being put into a present that will clearly never be enough. Your child is trying to hurt and offend you, and rather than continue the effort to solve the bigger problem, you are taking the bait. This is both impractical and expensive. You are not going to win.

Your child will likely say that this is not a charity they support, and Miss Manners cannot say she would blame them. Donations given to charities in another person’s name are not true presents.

Miss Manners suggests that you make the radical move of not bringing anything at all, and simply focus on repairing the relationship. She does not promise that this will not be met with equal grievance at coming to the holidays emptyhanded, but at that point, you can accurately say, “We do not seem to be able to please you. Perhaps when we begin to become reacquainted, we will have a better sense of what you and Baby Tilly would most like.”

Dear Miss Manners: Sometimes acquaintances like to infantilize my name, calling me “Davey” instead of Dave. I hate being called Davey, so I nip that in the bud, especially because others will see it as an acceptable address.

However, an older friend can’t seem to help himself, sporadically calling me Davey. I’ve reminded him many times. My plan is to just ignore him next time he says it, or respond in a way he’ll remember, such as, “Yes, A-wipe” or something similar. Your suggestion?

Gentle Reader: That you respond, “Yes, Mr. A-wipe.” Send questions to

Miss Manners at www. missmanners.com; dearmissmanners@ gmail.com; or Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.