Navigating school and other difficult phases for children

Parenting coach and columnist Meghan Leahy answered questions recently in a Washington Post online chat. Here is an edited excerpt.

Q: I know you have been against homework for young kids and I’ve always been in agreement from afar. But my kindergartner is coming home with worksheets and flashcards to practice sight words. Is this worth it to speed up the acquisition of the ability to read? Or is this just homework that should be avoided? This is a Montessori school and we already read to her every night at bedtime.

A: Does your child happily do the homework? If everyone is happy, and the child is doing it, then fine.

If there are frequent power struggles, complaints, whining and the homework feels like yours, reassess the goals of these assignments and talk to the teachers.

Q: I have a 2-year-old who started preschool two mornings a week this fall. As is expected, he brings home a new cold just about every week. What’s the etiquette for sending preschoolers to school with a cold? I keep him home if he has a fever or is acting particularly sick/ off (both rare). But most of the time, it’s just a ridiculously runny nose and occasional sneezing that doesn’t slow him down at all. I feel terribly guilty for taking him to school like this, not because I think he should be home in bed, but because I know he’s spreading the germs. But he would be so bored at home, and honestly, if he stayed home for every runny nose, we probably wouldn’t see the inside of his classroom again until May. What’s the right answer when they are a little bit sick, but not too sick?

A: A runny nose and some sneezing? Sounds like every 2-year-old known to man.

Your instinct is smack-on.

Fever = no school. Child is low energy, tired and looks awful = no school.

Extreme coughing = no school.

But if you waited for complete health, you would never leave the house.

Q: My third-grade son said there is a boy in the third grade who smells and no one wants to sit near him. I feel like I should talk to someone at the school about this, as I’m sure the boy is suffering and possibly being bullied, but I’m not sure how to go about it. A: Call the teacher and maybe the school counselor. The child may be having issues at home that lead to some kind of neglect, and the school needs to know. And even if he smells for other reasons, the bullying needs attention. Be an advocate for that child and praise your own child for telling you.

Q: I’m a long-distance aunt of a not-fun kid. My nephew, an only child who doesn’t have cousins or live in a neighborhood of kids, is 8 and mostly obnoxious and exhibits unempathetic behavior as well. Examples: I was out to visit recently and he was stuck like glue to his computer game the whole time. I figure that’s normal. When he wasn’t, and was engaging in human interaction, he was a know-it-all, bragging liar who bossed older people around without any “please” or “thank you.” And my attempts to start a conversation were responded to with yes/no/I don’t know with a shrug. If I didn’t know better I would think I was hanging out with a teen! I took him out with his friend and while he and his friend played in a great way, he was exhibiting some of the same not-great things — telling the other kid he was not as smart as my nephew because of where he goes to school, lying about factual things to win a point/ game and so on. I know his parents are aware and are working on it. I would leave this to them, but these behaviors have been going on for a solid year. Is there something I can learn/do that will help?

A: I have empathy all the way around here. Although you sound a bit tough, you list examples of an aunt who is trying her best to connect with this child.

The parents may be aware, but it is not getting better. And the real victim, the child, is not getting what he needs.

Culture, school and peers will soon punish him for his rudeness, but what if he has deeper needs that are not being addressed? Learning issues? Socialemotional issues?

Keep lovingly supporting his parents when he is with you, and be clear with your boundaries. If he insults you, leave the video game. If he is rude to his friend, say, “Uh no. Don’t say that.”

Don’t discipline him (not your job), but you can hold minimum boundaries of not being called names and not allowing him to call others names.

Your confidence and love may rub off. He’s still young.