Choosing peace over winning when conflict arises

In their book – “Tell It To The Church,” authors Lynn R. Buzzard and Laurence Eck present a biblical approach to resolving conflict. In one of the chapters, they propose an amusing eight-step process on how to turn a disagreement into a major conflict:

“How to turn a disagreement into a feud:

1. Be sure to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict, letting your own feelings build up so you are in an explosive frame of mind.

2. If you must state your concerns, be as vague and general as possible. Then the other person cannot do anything practical to change the situation.

3. Assume you know all the facts and you are totally right. The use of a clinching Bible verse is helpful. Speak prophetically for truth and justice; do most of the talking.

4. With a touch of defiance, announce your willingness to talk with anyone who wishes to discuss the problem with you. But do not take steps to initiate such conversation.

5. Latch tenaciously onto whatever evidence you can find that shows the other person is merely jealous of you.

6. Judge the motivation of the other party on any previous experience that showed failure or unkindness. Keep track of any angry words.

7. If the discussion should, alas, become serious, view the issue as a win/lose struggle. Avoid possible solutions and go for total victory and unconditional surrender. Don’t get too many options on the table.

8. Pass the buck! If you are about to get cornered into a solution, indicate you are without power to settle; you need your partner, spouse, bank, whatever.”

I read the list and could not help but laugh at the shrewd insight the authors offered on passive-aggressive conflict. Truthfully, most people can think of at least one person they know who display this type of behavior when it comes to disagreements.

I confess that it took me many years to understand and identify the passive-aggressive personality. I was raised in an environment highly influenced by the culture of southern Spain and Portugal. One of the characteristics of people that originate from the Iberian Peninsula in comparison to those of Anglo-Saxon origin, is their tendency to be direct and wear their feelings on their sleeves, so to speak. I never had to wonder how my mother felt. If someone disagreed with me, they simply told me so. We would sometimes fight, make peace, and, more often than not, forgive and forget.

Because of the culture I was brought up in, it took me a long time to learn how to identify passiveaggressive behavior. Truth is — I still have a hard time dealing with people who are hard to read.

Passive-aggressive individuals may seem peaceful and controlled on the outside, but truth is, deep down, anger, jealousy and contempt simmer like a volcano, ready to explode.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

Jesus said these words in his longest sermon recorded in Scriptures: The Sermon of the Mount. While doing some research about the sermon for a paper I am currently writing, I came across interesting geological information about the Mount of Beatitudes. This mount is located on the Korazim Plateau — a volcanic plateau, located in northern Israel. I find it interesting that Jesus would give instructions about peace, purity and mercy, while his audience was sitting on a dormant volcano.

Think about the paradox of the imagery: Peace on the surface is not always a reflection of what lies deep within. Indeed, throughout the sermon, Jesus called his Jewish audience to look past the outer aspects of religion, which were so widely revered at the time. This beatitude particularly teaches that seeking peace with others is a characteristic observed in those who have truly found peace with God.

As funny as the “eightstep process on how to turn an argument into a feud” may be, it delivers a sobering reflection on the condition of one’s heart: Will we value pride over peace? Or will we choose to resolve our differences with honesty, clarity and humility?

May we choose today to become peacemakers instead of peace-breakers, lest all our religious efforts be mocked, our influence shattered and our words … forgotten!

Patricia Holbrook is a columnist, author, blogger and international speaker. Find out about her upcoming Women’s Conference in Woodstock on April 27 at www.soaringwithHim.com. For speaking engagements and comments, email pholbrook@soaringwithHim.com