Get to the bottom of child’s violent playtime tendencies

My 5-year-old son likes to play with his toys in a sort of violent way. He will often pretend to kill his plastic animals, and will threaten them and say, “I’m going to hurt you now!” He also says things like, “I’m torturing you,” and “I hate you, and you’re stupid” while he throws his toys across the room. His wording makes me nervous sometimes. Should I try to stop this kind of play (my gut says I shouldn’t)? Or should I worry about where he’s picked up phrases like this; is he being bullied? His kindergarten teacher says there have been absolutely no incidents with him and he’s a kind boy. Is this something I should worry about?

I understand your worry; it is disconcerting to hear your son speak violently, and it is easy to assume that something could be “wrong” with him, but we have to look at the full picture. If you are truly concerned something is amiss, psychologically speaking, please talk to your pediatrician.

Let’s first look at bullying. Bullying is a huge problem these days, and I understand why. No one wants their child to be systemically hurt by others, nor do we want our children to emotionally or physically hurt anyone else. And with the advent of social media, as well as the rise of childhood depression and anxiety, parents and teachers have become vigilant against bullying. I am afraid it has become a catchall for every type of negative behavior we see. If your child is angry, he is being bullied. If your child is sad, he is being bullied. If your child has violent outbursts, he is being bullied.

We shouldn’t ignore the possibility of bullying; we just need to widen the lens to other possibilities.

What other possibilities are there for this violent play with his plastic toys? Five-year-olds are known to be expert imitators. So where does a child hear and see this kind of violent talk and action?

There is a good chance your son is playing with children at school who are also torturing and killing their toy animals. TV, games and other technology are also sure sources of this kind of action.

Five-year-olds also imitate older siblings and parents. Is anyone at home playing games that would include this kind of phrasing? Is there violence in the home? Violent words or threats from one adult to another? The violence does not need to be directed toward the child for him to reflect it in his play.

How do you get to the bottom of this? I have been working with Holly Moses, a specialist in challenging behaviors, and I think her take on Special Time is something you should try with your son. Although the typical Special Time requires the play to be child-centered and at fixed times, Moses adds the following dynamics:

1. Have a specific place or blanket so the Special Time becomes discrete from other play times.

2. Have a collection of toys at the ready that are Special Time toys. The toys should be openended and not have a goal or completion point (PlayDoh, Magna-Tiles, random Legos).

3. The play should focus on you listening and not asking questions or pointing your son toward a specific task or goal. Why? As the parent, you are trying to get a window into your son’s thinking and emotional world.

4. If your son wants to throw Play-Doh or smash and destroy Legos, ask why you are both hurting the toys (without judgment). My hope is that your son will say, “John and I play like this at school. We throw the dinosaurs as far as they can go and then find them.” I am hoping that by sitting patiently and making easy small talk, you will induce your son to express why he is telling the toys they are stupid and he wants to kill them.

5. As you play with your son, you can model how you show your anger. You can have one toy “talk” to another about its feelings. See how your son responds; see whether he can put this into his own words.

Try to avoid telling your son, “You aren’t being nice” or saying he isn’t “being a good boy.” Try to avoid saying, “We don’t say things like that.” Why? Expressing negative, even violent, feelings is human and we want him to be able to do that without thinking his parent views him as a “bad boy.”

You can let him know that the toys will not be thrown around the house (those plastic dinosaurs can hurt someone!). You can create a rule that if the toys get thrown, the toys get taken away. This is also true for your Special Time; if your son begins to destroy the toys, the Special Time ends. Always assure him that you will have Special Time again tomorrow, but play cannot continue if items are thrown.

My hope is that, as you put your best efforts into Special Time, your next steps will be revealed. Maybe there is too much unsupervised violent play at school. Maybe there is a friendship with another child that you (and the teacher) will need to keep an eye on. Maybe there is a relationship in the home that needs evaluation. Maybe you aren’t sure what’s going on, and you would like to seek the help of professionals. What is good is that you will have some information from your Special Time to share with anyone you speak with.