The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
How to say no during wedding season — gracefully
For friendship to last, approach situation with great tact — and a plan.
Search for “bridesmaid proposal” on Etsy, and you’ll be met with 49,465 results. There are the cutesy mugs (“I can’t marry my mister without my sister”) and the cards that seem less of a request than an order (“You’re obviously going to be my maid of honor — and no, that wasn’t a question”). These 49,465 data points perfectly illustrate why so many people feel as if they can’t say no to being in a bridal party, or to any of the other social contracts associated with modern weddings.
But despite what Etsy (or a snooty relative) tells you, a savethe-date card is not a subpoena. You are allowed to say no, even to the wedding itself. That said, the stakes can feel incredibly high during wedding planning, and a perfectly reasonable “I’m so sorry, I can’t” can feel loaded with meaning. If you want the friendship to last, it’s important to approach the situation with consideration, grace — and a plan.
What to know before your no
Before you make a decision, think about why you want to say no and accept that your friend will likely be disappointed. “I think you need to clarify for yourself the potential of doing damage to the friendship,” said Andrea Bonior, a therapist in Bethesda, Maryland, and the author of “The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up with Your Friends” (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2011). “It’s not that you can’t do it, but I think you have to have a reality check that you might pay the price later on.”
Being in someone’s bridal party is symbolic, and your friend might perceive your declining as a personal rejection, even if it’s not. That said, even if he or she is likely to be upset, it might still be the right choice for you.
Saying yes out of obligation or guilt can lead to resentment and disappointment all around. “It should feel like a choice you are making because you want to,” said Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and friendship expert based in Montreal. “It also shouldn’t come at the expense of your own well-being.”
You should opt out if your financial security, physical and mental health, professional goals and relationships are going to seriously suffer.
Once you’ve decided to say no, tell your friend as soon as possible. Kirmayer said. Avoid waffling or attempting to communicate your ambivalence indirectly, which can lead to more confusion and heartache. And know that saying yes and then backing out later will likely do more damage than just being direct early on.
How to say no to being in the bridal party
When you’re ready to tell your friend you won’t be joining the bridal party, you should say it in a way that feels authentic to you and appropriate for the relationship, experts say. Take the matter seriously; aim to be
sincere, kind and extremely gentle. You can’t totally mitigate hurt feelings or disappointment, but being thoughtful will go a long way.
If you’re unsure where to begin, here is some language to use as a jumping off point:
I am so honored that you asked me to be in your bridal party, but I’m going to have to decline. I know that being in the bridal party — even for someone who is low-key, like you! — requires a fair amount of bandwidth, and I’m stretched so thin right now because of [grad school/work/my newborn]. You deserve [bridesmaids/groomsmen] who can show up for you every step of the way, and I know I can’t give you that. I care about you and [Partner] a lot, so this isn’t a decision I’m making lightly. I’m so sorry that I won’t be able to do this for you, and I totally understand if you’re disappointed or upset with me.
If it’s a close friend, Bonior said, consider whether there’s anything you could say yes to. You could add something like, “Even though I can’t say yes to this, is there anything else I can do to support and honor you?”
Whatever you say, keep it brief. “There can often be this tendency to over-explain or go into too much detail, particularly when we feel like we’re hurting somebody close to us,” Kirmayer said. “That can be experienced as insincere or just sort of off-putting.”
You should still provide a reason. While you don’t owe anyone an explanation, a hard no is more likely to come across as a personal rejection.
Finally, know that this isn’t a conversation to have via text message. “I think it is best to have a phone call if you can because it shows that you’re going to truly make time for them,” Bonior said.
Saying no to other events
Even if you’ve agreed to be in the bridal party, other events might necessitate a no. The wedding shower and bachelor/bachelorette party, in particular, can be expensive and time intensive. It’s completely acceptable to sit one or both of these out, particularly if you’re a long-distance friend.
If you’re not in the bridal party, you can just mark “no” on the RSVP card for the bridal shower, especially if the person isn’t a close friend. Otherwise, the prevailing advice still applies: Be direct, say something early, offer a brief explanation, be kind. You might say, “I know how important this weekend is to you, and I really wish I could be there. Unfortunately with finances and my family obligations, I can’t make it happen. I’m so sorry. I’m really looking forward to the wedding itself.”
And, yes, Bonior said, that “sorry” is important. “If you want to keep the friendship as it was before, it is something to apologize for,” she said. “Say, ‘I’m really sorry to have to miss this.’”
You may also want to look for other ways to celebrate them. For example, if you can’t attend a close friend’s bridal shower, Kirmayer said, consider coordinating a recipe or advice book where you get input from their loved ones.
Advice for couples feeling rejected
If a friend can’t be in your wedding or come to a prewedding event, you’re allowed to feel hurt or upset, and to say, “This is disappointing” or “I’m really sad to hear this because this means a lot to me.” Let yourself feel your feelings and give yourself time and space to get over it. Rushing to move on or pushing your emotions aside can lead to resentment and do long-term damage to a relationship.
Even though it might feel like a personal rejection, try to remember that it likely has very little to do with you. “Think about their life, their commitments, their emotional makeup, the demands on their time,” Bonior said. “Give them the benefit of the doubt and let some time pass and see where things are with the friendship.”
Whether you’re the person saying no or the person hearing it, keep in mind that asking for what one needs is a good thing. “Setting boundaries is not a tool for disconnection; if anything, it’s a way to preserve our friendships,” Kirmayer said. “The vast majority of friendships experience conflict like this. It’s not the absence of conflict that makes a friendship close. It’s how we navigate that together.”