Answers on handling children

Parenting coach and columnist Meghan Leahy answered questions recently in a Washington Post online chat. Here is an edited excerpt.

Q: Our 2 1/2-year-old daughter is rebelling with bedtime/sleeping, eating and potty training. We transitioned her to a “big girl” bed two months ago after several months of her refusing to sleep in her crib/ daybed. Now she is doing anything she can to delay bedtime, including roaming. We have tried letting her roam because we can’t force her to stay in her room, but then she gets so tired that she gets fussy. She also is still waking up at night wanting to sleep with us, and we are so tired that we aren’t cognizant enough to take her back to her room. She also isn’t eating much dinner. She eats OK for breakfast, a lot for lunch and then barely any dinner, unless it’s one of the few things she likes. We don’t feed her extra after dinner so she will learn that she needs to eat the food given to her, but it hasn’t worked. She is also regressing with potty training. She wasn’t fully trained, but she did like sitting on the potty when we suggested it. Now she refuses and starts to cry, so we aren’t forcing her. I guess we just need tips or assurance or something. Overall, she is still healthy — good height and weight — and is alert, active and very loving.

A: Ugh, these months are brutal. As for assurance, I can promise you that, one way or another, this time will pass. You need to keep your relationship and your sense of humor afloat, not take any of this too seriously and (here’s the bad news) pick some boundaries and hold them.

When you have an immature human, you cannot hold every boundary because you will go totally looney-tunes. It will be too much crying, upset and mayhem. But if you allow the rebellion to take hold, this beautiful child will rule the land, and you will be exhausted, angry and bossed around by an immature tyrant.

I cannot tell you what to do (I don’t know your schedule or life), but do not worry about the potty training. Put a pull-up on the child and move on.

As for food, dinner is the worst meal of the day for every child, so load her up with her needed calories in the first half of the day, offer her a little bit of food at night and leave it be. She will come around in the next couple of months.

As for night, well, that’s a toughie.

You have to decide if you care about her getting into your bed and what you are willing to do about it. Because sleep is so important, I am loath to lecture parents about marching children back to bed in the middle of the night, but I also respect that this is what may need to happen.

Call a meeting with your partner so you two can get a plan together.

Q: Question for you on having a gender preference for kids. (I say gender knowing full well that even if my child has male parts or female parts, their gender expression could be different from those bits — a fact I am 1,000 percent OK with.)

I will be going it alone, using either IUI or IVF with donor sperm for the conception. I have always had a preference for having a girl, and that has only become stronger since deciding to do it alone. Sure, it’s going to be hard, but at least I will have the lived experience of a female (albeit asexual) to guide my child through puberty, the meanness of other girls, etc. Also, because I am asexual, I really don’t want the first time I see male genitalia to be when I have a child. However, I know I will love my child no matter what and that lots of single women have raised sons before and forever will. I also feel guilty for having such a strong gender preference. Is it wrong of me to have such feelings? Something to work through? Something to acknowledge but then also acknowledge that I will love my child no matter what?

A: Congrats on making this big decision, and congrats on being so thoughtful about this process.

I don’t know if you have a good therapist, but I suggest finding one to help you sort this out a bit. There are therapists who specialize in gender identity, and those who specialize in IUI and IVF, and it would be lovely to merge the two. You don’t sound panicked, but it may help to unpack your stories and worries to a third party and see what comes up.

The truth is, all of the therapy and planning will not fully prepare you for what is going to happen, and having a girl may not make you feel any more comfortable than having a boy will. Your path as a parent will be as winding as every parent’s, so you don’t need to tell yourself stories about it. You can decide that you have enough love for yourself and whatever child you have.