Neighbors suspect caregiver conducting affair next door

Dear Abby: We live next door to an 89-yearold woman, “Estelle.” She's a “snowbird,” meaning she is our neighbor for only part of the year. She has a devoted caretaker, “Iris,” who visits her almost daily. Iris shops for her, brings in her mail, and helps her with laundry, bathing and many other intimate tasks.

Estelle has given us a key to her house for emergencies. The issue is that once Estelle leaves for the summer, Iris arrives almost daily for what appear to be afternoon trysts with a man, not her husband. They stay in the house for two to three hours and then leave, always in separate cars.

After several weeks of seeing this, my husband went over to Estelle's house to check on things. The bed in the master bedroom was obviously used. The air conditioning was on high, and the house was in general disorder; not anything like how Estelle would have left things.

Our dilemma is, we know Estelle depends upon Iris. She trusts and adores her. Do we turn a blind eye to what's going on? It really isn't our business except that we hate seeing someone taken advantage of. Last year we reported our observations to Estelle's son as he was bringing his mother here for the winter. He wasn't sure what to do because, as I said before, she's quite dependent on her caretaker. Advice? — Seeing Too Much in Florida

Dear Seeing: This is Estelle's home and Estelle's employee. If this were happening on your property, wouldn't YOU want to know about it? I see nothing to be gained by keeping Estelle in the dark. Tell her what has been going on, that your husband went to check the place and found it in disarray. Then leave the ball in her court.

Dear Miss Manners:

I had a conversation with friends that left me really upset, and I feel I need a second opinion as to whether or not I should be.

First of all, I am horrified at the injustices people of color have faced in this country. However,

I am a white male and I spent a number of years in another country, where people are primarily of a different race. On numerous occasions there, I was shouted at with derogatory racial epithets, and one time was even hit lightly with a car while being shouted at. These instances were emotionally very hurtful.

I brought up these stories while discussing how evil racism is, and was told, "It is not possible for a white male to suffer racism." Not only that, I was told that even though my friends know I am not racist, I should not repeat the stories, as I would be taken as a racist.

According to them, the definition of racism is "thinking you are better than someone because of your race." They said it is unlikely that people in that foreign country said hurtful things to me because of racism, but rather out of resentment for white people's history of cruelty and injustice towards others.

I feel racism is racism, and what really matters is how the victim feels. My partner is upset at me for my opinion. Should I be offended?

Gentle Reader: You are debating semantics. Miss Manners is quite certain that you are destined to lose this argument — and alienate far more than your friends through its insistence.

Yes, there was a preconception made against you based on the color of your skin, but while admittedly horrid and unfair, it is different from the experience of most marginalized groups. As unpleasant as it was for you, it did not take away your rights, freedoms and basic equality.

The fact that it was likely a retaliatory bias, and not inherent, is key. Persisting in your argument and in taking offense will only make you look naive. Miss Manners suggests that you stop.