7 TIPS FOR DECLINING INVITATIONS

In a year without a Great Plague, we’d be in peak wedding season right about now. Unfortunately, passed appetizers and champagne toasts have largely been relegated to the same nostalgic category as spin classes and shared office doughnuts.

But, whether advisable or not, some people are beginning to plan parties and weddings again. Which leaves potential guests wondering: Can I say no? How do I phrase it without sounding judgmental?

We turned to some experts for guidance.

1. How to say no politely

Tone matters. Put a smile on your face when you make the call and keep it simple:“Thank you for the invitation; I’m so sorry, but I can’t make it.”You don’t need to explain why.“Your sole purpose is to accept or decline an invitation. We’re taking on too much with the feeling that we need to go into detail and explain,” said Elaine Swann, a lifestyle and etiquette expert.“I think that’s where you open yourself up for conversation and scrutiny and debate.”

2. But what if I’ve already RSVP’d?

It isn’t rude to change your mind about going to an event where your attendance could be risking your life. What would be rude would be to wait until the last minute to do so: As soon as you know you won’t be going, get in touch with the hosts and tell them.

3. You can still appreciate the invitation.

If it’s a milestone birthday or a wedding, send a card and a gift. If it’s a more casual get-together, have flowers delivered or send the hosts some money ahead of time with a note: “So sorry I can’t be there. Dessert’s on me!”

4. Inquiring about social distancing

Is it OK to ask the hosts if they’ll be doing double duty as social-distancing enforcer? “Generally, no, ”said Jules Hirst, an etiquette coach based in Los Angeles. It depends on your relationship with the host, she said. If you do ask, phrase it as a yes-or-no question: Will you be asking people to wear masks? Will families be seated at least 6 feet from one another?

5. You don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable.

If after a couple of hours (and a couple of cocktails), you notice social distancing and masks starting to slip, that is your cue to exit. Don’t ascend your soapbox and deliver a speech about why you’re leaving. If other guests’ behavior is making you uncomfortable, “it’s probably best to go over and thank the host for inviting you and say you had a wonderful time, but you have to get going,” said Jessica Marventano, cofounder of the etiquette website Marvelously Well-Mannered.

6. Defusing difficult conversations

How do you deal with friends or family members who think you’re an elitist or a sheep for taking basic health precautions? How do you make them realize how serious this is? Basically, you don’t. “We should not take on the task of trying to correct or fix other people, ”Swann said.

7. Politeness still matters.

“Whatever the CDC and government officials are telling us, these are guidelines to keep us alive and keep us healthy,” Hirst said. “Manners are a guideline so you still have friends when this is over.”