HOW TO SET PANDEMIC BOUNDARIES FOR RELATIVES

When pandemic-related shutdowns started, many people rushed to the rescue of their loved ones. They rallied to meet an extraordinary situation and extended themselves in deep and loving ways. They welcomed home adult children with open arms. They jumped to babysit for their grandkids. They volunteered to shop for neighbors and elderly relatives. But now, with no end in sight, many people are wearing down. How long can they keep this up?

1. Create healthy boundaries.

“People are afraid to set boundaries, because they think it risks the relationship,” said Karen C.L. Anderson, an author and a life coach specializing in family boundaries.

“When you want to say ‘no’ to a loved one, you’re afraid that they’re going to make that ‘no’ mean that you’re a bad mother or grandparent or friend. You figure, I’m just going to say ‘yes,’ so I don’t have to feel guilty later,” she said.

“Boundaries create a context for the preservation of love and peace,” said John Townsend, a psychologist and host of the “Dr. Townsend Live” show on Crowdcast.

2. Be a conduit, not a lifeline.

When you feel overwhelmed, Townsend recommends you create a list of all of your responsibilities and then identify what you alone can do and what can be outsourced. Ask a friend to share errands or shopping. Take turns venting.

“You also have to determine that just because Dad’s calling me six times a day doesn’t mean I’m the solution,” Townsend said. “You’ve got to have thick skin so you don’t personalize other people’s misery.”

3. Keep a relaunch in sight.

Boundaries may help, but if you ever intend to re-empty the nest, Townsend recommends creating what he calls a relaunch vision. “You say, ‘Hey, we know that you don’t want to be here forever,’” he suggested.“But what can we think about to give you, and us, a vision for how great it’s going to be for you to feel autonomous and free and empowered?”

4. Renegotiate commitments.

Many people made promises to loved ones back in March, not realizing how long the pandemic might last.

Now that so many schools are opening remotely, what if your working adult children want you to babysit for your grandkids full time? Or what if you’re ready to retire as your elderly aunt’s or neighbor’s weekly grocery shopper?

The first step, according to Anderson, is to realize it’s OK your needs have changed. “We can always renegotiate our boundaries,” she said. “Just because we’ve agreed to something in one moment doesn’t mean we’ve agreed to it for life. Remind yourself that you get to change your mind.”

Next, get clear — with yourself first — about exactly what you’re still willing to do.

5. Tell the truth, then let go.

“All you can do is be truthful about what you need going forward,” Anderson said.

So how do you let go if things don’t go well, despite your best efforts?

“It’s OK to be upset,”Anderson said.“Standing in our truth is hard, but it’s the key to honest relationships. It’s also the key to creating healthy boundaries.”

Julie Fingersh