Perfect guy on the outside becomes abusive at home

Dear Abby: I have been with “Dylan” for three years, engaged for two. I have a lot of insecurities about it.

Wemet right aftermy husband’s death. Dylan was the perfect guy in the beginning. Looking back, I realize therewere a lot of red flags.

He spends most of his time on Facebook or talking about his high school years. He is also secretive. He acts like the world’s nicest guy around others, but when we’re alone, he calls me stupid and insecure. I never knew what a narcissist was before, but I believe he is one.

I built a business, which has done very well. I’mliked by everyone but him. People have toldme to run. Why do I torturemyself? Last week he brokemy windshield because I asked himabout his phone, which he is always using to text someone. I want to be happy, and I feel like a loser right now. My kids don’t like him at all. Helpme, please. — Unhappy in the Midwest

Dear Unhappy: I am concerned about you. Because you now feel that your verbally abusive fiance could become violent, place a call to theNational Domestic Violence Hotline ( 800- 799- 7233) and ask someone to help you craft an escape plan. Your next call should be to the police to file a report about that broken windshield. Your third should be to your family to find out if you and your kids can stay with one of your relatives.

It is important you get safely out of there, so do NOT disclose to thisman any of the preparations you aremaking. It goes without saying that this engagement should be broken.

Dear Abby: I have an issue that I can’t be the only one with, especially as our parents age. Mymother has never been the cleanest or most sanitary of housekeepers. Everything “looks” neat and straight, but look closer and you’ll realize her place is unsanitary and filthy.

When I visit, I amnear tears the entire time. My husband tellsme to stay in a hotel, but I don’t know how to tell mymother I don’t feel comfortable staying with her. I bring alongmy own towels and washcloths. I take us out formeals so we don’t have to use her dishes.

I’mnot a clean freak, and this is notmy imagination. A friend of hers contacted me to tell me she was concerned about Mom because she doesn’t seemto notice how dirty her house is or that her food is spoiled. I’membarrassed for her.

I’ve tried to talk tomy mother about thismany times in the past, but she just doesn’t get it. I have had her carpets shampooed and brought in professionals to do deep cleaning. How can I tell her I can’t stay with her any longer? — Grossed- out Daughter in Maryland

Dear Daughter: Tell your mother that you love her, and you have been concerned for years about her living conditions, which is why you hired professional cleaners periodically to help her. Delivering the message that you will be staying in a hotel when you visit is the least of your problems. Clearly, she needsmore help than you can give her.

I, too, amconcerned about the fact she doesn’t knowthe food in her refrigerator has spoiled, and for that reason, I’m suggesting you discuss this with a socialworker in the town where yourmother resides. Shemay need someone to check on her regularly.