5 TIPS TO HANDLE GUILT AS PARENT IN PANDEMIC

Daily life in a pandemic has given us a host of new reasons to feel guilty. In addition to the impossibility of simultaneously working, parenting and, in some cases, teaching our children, we face daily decisions around health and safety.

Do we allow play dates? What if all of my child’s friends are playing basketball and I say no? What if we choose in-person school and our child gets COVID-19, or we choose remote school and our child becomes depressed?

No good choices and no good answers, but guaranteed guilt, with a sprinkling of judgment caused by social pressures.

“Guilt is a useful emotion when it tells us we’ve done something wrong,” says clinical psychologist Jill Stoddard, author of “Be Mighty.” “What’s happening now is we feel like we’ve done something wrong even when we’re doing the very best we can.”

So what can we do about the guilt hanging heavy around our collective necks? Experts suggest a combination of mindfulness, meaningful self-care and shifting our perspective.

1. Pay attention to your feelings.

Do not ignore the guilt; acknowledging it means you can do something about it. Even if our pandemic-related guilt may be misplaced, Stoddard says we can still use the feeling for its positive function and make amends. She has told her children, “I really wish I could spend more time with you guys, and it’s been so hard on all of us. Things will be different someday. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you more. ”remember you are not alone. Feelings of failure are a universal experience of parents during the pandemic. Seeking social support is key for mental health amid stress.

2. Don’t beat yourself up.

Talk to yourself as you would your friend: “you are doing your very best in this moment. ”this practice helps shift thinking patterns from self-criticism to self-compassion, which is known to increase positive emotions and decrease negative ones, including guilt.

3. Don’t get lost in the details.

Prioritize the daily demands on your time and energy. Ilyse Dimarco, a clinical psychologist and the author of the upcoming book “mom Brain,” advises doing this by asking, “What’s most important here on a day-to-day or hour-to-hour basis?” Focus on what is highest on the priority list, and allow yourself to let go of the other potential tasks instead of feeling guilty for, inevitably, not getting everything done.

4. Take time for yourself.

“An important piece, and counterintuitive piece, to manage guilt about not being there for everybody else, is to also be there for yourself, and make sure you’re on the list somewhere,” Dimarco says. Plan ahead to ensure time for you in the daily routine, even just 15 to 30 minutes. This may require a deal with your partner and/or kids on when you will not be available the next day. Be realistic on how much time you need and how you will spend it (e.g., 15 minutes on a meditation app).

5. Shift your focus.

Adjust expectations. “if you expect yourself to stay calm and never lose it, you’re setting yourself up for failure,” says child and adolescent psychologist Emily King. “own it that you’re more emotionally fragile right now, notice it and walk outside for 10 minutes, or whatever you need, instead of getting in a negative feedback loop, and then you’re emotionally exhausted.”