How can we stop arguments with our 5-year-old?

Q: How can we get our 5-year-old to stop ignoring us when we ask her to do things? This is often what leads to an argument. This starts in the morning with getting dressed and will happen throughout the day. I feel as if we’re ordering her around, and I would probably ignore me, too.

A: I love 5-year-olds. They aren’t messing around; they’re in charge of their bodies and (some) of their thoughts, and they’ll let you know the score. They worked hard as 4-year-olds to secure their independence, and now they’re going to revel in it — if you let them.

As a parent coach, I frequently see parents using the same techniques and routines with their children that worked a year or six months ago, but they haven’t realized their children have matured. What once was comforting and needed is now stifling and prescriptive, and this quick shift can lead to power struggles and defiance.

You are moving into a different developmental stage with your daughter, so where should you begin? Your letter contains the best clue: “I feel as if we’re ordering her around, and I would probably ignore me, too.” Check and check. Rather than trying yet another strategy to get your daughter to do your bidding, let’s look at what isn’t working.

When she feels bossed around, she is going to do what a 5-year-old should do: the opposite.

People don’t like to be bossed around, and she is letting you know, in her 5-year-old way, that she doesn’t like it.

The most efficient tool for this is a family meeting. For a couple of meetings, focus on sharing your day and chatting, then end with a treat. Seriously: Keep it simple and sweet. When it seems as if the meetings are running well, you can mention something such as: “I’ve noticed the morning routine is going a little slowly, and I bet we can make a better schedule together. What are some things we could do in the morning that would make it more fun?”

When your daughter starts giving you ideas, write them down. Listening to her, giving her strong eye contact and smiling are powerful ways to connect with your daughter, and doing so will serve as a great jumping-off point for forming a new schedule.

After creating ideas, take pictures of your daughter getting ready for school, glue them to a poster board and hang it up at her eye level. (Peek into any successful preschool teacher’s room, and you will see similar systems.) Make a habit of referring to the schedule as “Sarah’s schedule” to give her ownership.