The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Got sick despite vigilance? Don't self-blame, experts say
As two COVID-19 variants collide and states hit records daily, breakthrough cases are becoming more normal and less an exception. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns these cases are now “likely” to occur.
For many who test positive in this latest surge, the virus is sparking yet another unpleasant feeling in an ordeal that’s churned out plenty: shame. Health officials have stressed it’s crucial to be fully vaccinated and boosted, and to get tested frequently. But even those safeguards aren’t a guarantee against infection.
Feeling ashamed about getting COVID-19 isn’t healthy or helpful, experts agree. Here are some coping mechanisms on how to clamp down on those feelings.
1. Acknowledge it: “As a psychologist, we’re going to tell people: Acknowledge the emotion,” said Lynn Bufka, a senior director at the American Psychological Association and a practicing licensed clinical psychologist in Maryland. “Try to recognize what it is. We know we’re in an environment right now where there’s a lot of judgment,” and it makes sense that you might be feeling, well, mortified at the idea that others will think you behaved carelessly.
2. Set it aside in favor of proper health protocols: Research indicates shame often prevents people from disclosing all the relevant facts. “It can prevent people from getting the health care that they need, or telling their contacts” about the potential exposure, which is concerning, Bufka said. She urged those who have tested positive for the coronavirus to focus on “what behavior is going to be best for your health, and for the people around you.”
3. That said, don’t over-explain the situation: If ashamed of your diagnosis, you might be tempted to over-explain it to others, said Jessica Stern, a clinical psychologist at NYU Langone Health. You may even be “preemptively defensive,” immediately telling people who didn’t ask that you had taken safety protocols seriously. As much as possible, avoid the urge. Stern suggests giving any explanation in a short, lighthearted way: “I’m super careful, but it got me!”
4. Consider it a learning experience: “I hate to say we’re in this for the long run, but this is like a long game here,” said Sue Varma, a psychiatrist in New York. In many cases, getting COVID-19 might have happened despite extreme caution — she knows someone whose daughter recently contracted the virus from her school bus driver, for example. But perhaps, in your desperation to return to normal life, you’ve been less than careful. In that case, see what you can learn from the experience.
5. Keep in mind you can’t control what others do or think: “There are some people who are going to act like jerks, and we all have to live with that,” says Jonathan S. Abramowitz, a professor of psychology in the University of North Carolina clinical psychology program. “See it for what it is. By all means, don’t say, ‘Well, this person is making me feel ashamed, so therefore they’re right and I should feel ashamed.’” And if friends make you feel bad about your diagnosis, maybe it’s time to reconsider the company you keep, Abramowitz says.
6. Practice self-compassion: Perhaps easier said than done, but it’s important, especially given that you’re also dealing with a serious virus. First, if you’re ruminating over everything you wish you had done differently, flip your perspective and consider: “It could be that you’re very diligent and very conscientious, and that’s why you’re taking this so hard,” Varma said. “That just means you’re a thoughtful, considerate, caring human being trying really, really hard.” As Bufka pointed out, second-guessing ourselves isn’t productive.
7. Remember: You’re not alone: “Millions of other people have gotten sick,” Varma said. “Unfortunately, you’re not alone. You’re not the only one. You’re not the first one to get COVID, and you won’t be the last.” And that positive test, she reiterates, “doesn’t make you an irresponsible person.”