Parents need to be wary of overburdening themselves

Q: My kids are 6 and 8. All I hear from other parents is how stressed out and burdened they are. I couldn’t agree more.

I get it; I am one of the burned-out parents. I work full time, I’m a homeroom parent for both children and a troop leader, and my spouse travels 50% of the time. I’m exhausted, but I’ve prioritized my kids as much as I can. Every weekend, at least one child gets to invite a friend over, and we host periodic movie nights. The parents are always grateful to have a night off or, as they put it, time working on being with friends again, but no one ever reciprocates.

My 6-year-old is trying to invite himself to his friends’ houses, which is awkward. I’m starting to get a chip on my very hunched shoulders at carrying these burdens for all of these families. Are there any polite ways to broach with other parents that everyone can’t be the “drop-off ” parents?

In olden times, there were patterns to this relationship-building, and if it felt too onesided, that was a hint to move along. Is that still in play?

A: Thank you for your note; it sounds as if you wrote in just in time. Your resentment is building, and you know that is not a good place to be when making decisions regarding your children (and other parents).

One thing is true: Every parent, child and family is emerging from the past two years differently. You have a couple of theories about these families: You assume they are burned out and have no energy, you assume they don’t want to reciprocate and don’t want to be around your children, and you assume (all?) children are behind socially and emotionally and aren’t catching up very well.

You ask, “What gives?” The truth is, aside from your assumptions, we don’t know what gives. You haven’t asked them, so we don’t know why these parents aren’t reciprocating with play dates. We do know the only person you can control is yourself. From your letter, it sounds as if you are headed straight to burnout and have hoisted too many activities and expectations upon your shoulders. Before you worry about other families, read “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab and have a sit-down with yourself. (There’s also a workbook.) Where can you pull back? Which expectations aren’t working? Which ones are?

There is nothing honorable about suffering to make your children happy, and, although you assume no one else will step up, you don’t know whether that’s true. But let’s say it is true. Let’s say you stop being a troop leader, and everything falls apart. Is that 100% your problem? Shouldn’t leadership be able to replace you? Call it your ego, hubris or insecurity, but you are placing too much pressure and importance on yourself. You can stop.

This time in your life is either going to teach you some good lessons to help you move forward, or you are going to become increasingly resentful, angry and unhealthy.

Scrounge up your courage and ask for help. Email a parent: “Hey, can Ralph and Jake come over to your house on Friday for a movie? I have a dinner with my spouse.” Email troop leadership and say: “I am feeling stretched thin and would like to bring on a co-leader.” You should only send these emails once you are centered in your own boundaries and you know what you want and what you do not.

Finally, look at the panic regarding your children and your need to catch them up. It is true that many children have fallen behind and are at risk for some serious problems, so I need you to dig into that and ask: “Whose problem is this?” If your children are at risk because of learning and social-emotional challenges that predate or developed during the pandemic, that requires one response. If your children seem to be muddling along, but you seem to be the one with all the worries, that is something else entirely. I don’t know, so I can only encourage you to look at this fear and reality-check it. Good luck.