Softening blunt outspokenness

Dear Miss Manners:

I always invite the same friends and neighbors to my annual barbecue, and they always attend. One neighbor, who is very outspoken, asked if he and his wife could bring pizza to my gathering.

I replied, “If you don’t like what I have, eat at home before you come.” I feel they should have declined instead.

This same neighbor has made comments about my food before, yet everyone else has praised it. Was I rude in responding as I did, since I felt he was insulting me? I haven’t had a response since.

Gentle Reader: It is your blunt outspokenness, not your reaction, with which Miss Manners finds fault. (She seems to recall that you did not much like that quality coming from your neighbor.) Allow her to translate what you said into something more polite.

“I am sorry that you do not find any of my food edible, but I am afraid that that is what I am serving. If it does not suit you, perhaps you will be able to find a better alternative before you come.” A change in tone and a few niceties go a long way.

Dear Miss Manners:

I have spoken with my estranged brother’s children perhaps three times in their lives at family events. Now, one has sent me a graduation announcement (a printed photo card, no personal note of any kind) — the first communication I have ever received. The envelope was addressed to “Miss Jane Doe and Tony,” although the full name of my husband is well-known to the family.

Theother nephew sent a wedding announcement in a similar format, which invited me to pray for the couple on their wedding day. (The event was not canceled due to COVID, as the family dismisses such precautions; everyone else was invited to attend.)

If either had actually sent something that seemed they wanted to connect, I honestly would have showered them with gifts. But in these cases, I did not reply. Bad manners on my part?

Gentle Reader: Milestone announcements need only be met with congratulations, Miss Manners assures you. Presents — and prayers — are purely optional.